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Quotes by John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic

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'No More Mr. Nice Guy'The problem with saying 'From now on it's no more Mr. Nice Guy' is that you're providing advance notification, which is nice.
'Nothing Ever Goes Away'Barry Commoner said "Nothing ever goes away." ... Whatever happened to that guy?
360-FeedbackWhoever invented the 360-degree feedback method was thinking outside the box, but not outside the circle.
69The 69 in 1969 wasn't really all that fun for anybody, but the 19 was at least enjoyable for the 1.
80-20 Rule80% of the 80-20 rule is 20% of it.
- (CIA research manager)
9/11Ask not what 9/11 can do for you. Ask what you can do for 9/11.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
9696: what happens after my wife and I attempt 69.
99%Le 99%, c'est moi.
AboutIf by 'about' you mean 'in a circle around,' then yes, we're doing something about the problem.
AbsentWhere's that guy who said "The absent are always in the wrong?"
Absolute PowerAs long as you're only 99.9% corrupt, they can't accuse you of wielding absolute power.
Abstinence and ConservatismAbstinence and conservatism go hand in hand. And thanks to recent court rulings, they can now be legally married in several US states.
Abusive RelationshipAfter forty years in an abusive relationship, I finally found the courage to tell myself to f**k off.
AccountabilityThe buck don't give a damn where it stops.
- (Famed CIA Officer)
Achilles' HeelThe Achilles' heel of Achilles' heel was Achilles.
ActionAction may speak louder than words, but it's still just a bunch of talk.
Action at a DistanceThis morning I was downtown, and I happened to glance at an office building just as it was deliberately imploded. ... For a second I thought "Whoa, did I do that?"
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
Adapt or PerishThe 'or' in 'adapt or perish' is inclusive.
AddictionA lot of people get a monkey off their back in order to make room for an elephant.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
AdvertisingThe quote 'You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements' is used in advertisements in the USA.
AdviceMy uncle once offered me the following advice: "Only you can live your life; don't let others live it for you." I said, "So in other words, don't let other people do what you just said is impossible anyway." My uncle pretty much leaves me alone now.
- (From 'I Killed JFK')
After 2:00 A.M.Nobody's ugly after 2:00 a.m. But not as ugly as Anybody.
AgeYou push 40. 50 drags you down the street.
Age is Only a NumberSaying age is only a number is like saying a Seal 2K combat knife is only an edged instrument.
Agent in PlaceSecret 4081.1.1. The usefulness of an agent in place will tend to be proportional to the uselessness of the place.
Agent ProvocateurEach of us is our own agent provocateur.
AgentsA triple agent is more dangerous than a double agent, a double agent is more dangerous than an agent, and so on.
AgingAging is about mind over matter every year my matter drops another quarter inch below my mind.
AgnosticismNo agnostic ever burned anyone at the stake. That wouldn't be nearly slow and painful enough.
AgreementWhen I said I don't care what you think, what I meant was, I agree with you *whatever* you think.
- (notorious CIA officer and research manager)
Aim for the StarsAim for the stars even if you miss, you may hit an executive producer.
al-QudsHow much intel would an al-Quds cell sell if an al-Quds cell could sell intel?
AlcoholEvery one of my most profound regrets in life has revolved around alcohol. And about 90% of those were that I didn't have a drink at the time.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
AlcoholEvery one of my most profound regrets in life has revolved around alcohol. And about 90% of those were that I didn't have a drink at the time.
- (- ')
AlcoholEvery one of my most profound regrets in life has revolved around alcohol. And about 90% of those were that I didn't have a drink at the time.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
AlcoholEvery one of my most profound regrets in life has revolved around alcohol. And about 90% of those were that I didn’t have a drink at the time.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
AlcoholHigh-functioning alcoholic? Pretty much by definition.
All EarsTo be all ears is good. To be many ears and a couple of nostrils is better.
All Is Not LostAll is not lost so why the hell should it stop to ask for directions???
All Other Things Being EqualAll other things being equal, I'm proud to be an other thing!
AlmsSecret 25.40. Whenever you give alms, you're executing a perfect brush pass with Jesus.
Alone We Can Do NothingAlone we can do nothing, but not as much nothing as we can do together.
AmericaIn America anyone can grow up and be President. ... Well, anyone can be President.
America'America' pronounced backwards still sounds pretty close to 'America'.
AmericaAmerica is a pot that's melting.
- (CIA research manager, poet and covert activist)
AmericaThis morning while I was driving to work, I heard a radio talk show host ask: "Where's the outrage, America?" I called him up and said: "That's usually a safe bet."
AmericaI'm all for America welcoming poor and huddled masses yearning to breathe free. But why would we want *tired* people?
AmericaThe number of Americans who have never been outside America is less than the number who have never been in it.
AmericaIn America, any boy or girl can grow up to officially not be Director of the National Clandestine Service.
American DreamThe death of the American dream *is* the American dream.
Analytic PhilosophyEmeralds are green / Zircons are blue / But in logic, these objects / Can be bleen or grue too
AngelsEvery time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. And every time you see a supernova, someone from the star cluster HD 142 in the Phoenix constellation is getting high.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic (noted CIA poet and covert activist))
Anger ManagementThe key to effective anger management is learning to avoid doing things that piss me off in the first place.
- (noted CIA officer and motivational 'speaker' )
Anger ManagementAccording to news reports, a woman attending an anger management course stabbed a fellow student. However, the reporting left unanswered the crucial question of whether the woman was angry at the time.
Animal RightsIn Korea, happiness is a hot puppy.
Animal Rights행복은 온난한 강아지이다 (Translation from Korean: 'Happiness is a warmed puppy.')
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
AnimalsSecret 9.6.218. The name of any animal sounds scarier if you put the word 'grizzly' in front of it.
Anna PίfaniYou had Anna Pίfani last night? How was she?
Anonymous SourceThe official spokesperson is the most anonymous source of all.
AnosmiaThere is none so anosmic as he who will not smell.
AnosmiaIf you're anosmic, I bet the smell of pretty much anything in the morning smells like victory.
Answering MachinesPerhaps we need fewer answering machines, and more questioning machines.
- (noted CIA officer and motivational author )
Anti-WarI'm against war, but I really like anti-war songs, so it's kind of a dilemma.
- (Notorious CIA research manager and peacenik)
Anything Worth Doing'Anything worth doing' is a problematic premise.
AphorismAphorism: a type of joke featuring a setup in the form of a brief observation, followed by a punch line consisting of a random person's name.
- (noted CIA officer)
AphorismsGiven a big enough bottle, you can always get the genie back in.
AphorismsIn the interest of safety, shouldn't *everything* come with a self-destruct button?
AphorismsAn aphorism and its author aren't joined by a dash, but separated by it.
ApparitionsIs it that a lot of stuff looks like the Virgin Mary, or that the Virgin Mary looks like a lot of stuff?
AppearanceNot only are things not what they appear to be, they're not even what they are.
Art and LifeLife doesn't imitate art, it steals its identity.
Art ChicksIf she spells it 'theatre,' she's theater than you.
Art of LoveIf you would learn the art of love, be sure to take a course in perspective.
Artificial IntelligenceWho cares whether computers are intelligent, as long as they're sincere?
Ash Heap of HistoryActually, the view from the ash heap of history isn't bad at all.
Ask NotAsk not what your country can do for you, lest your country get ideas.
AskingPoint of clarification: it never hurts to ask, provided you're not the askee.
AskingIt never hurts to ask. You're dead before you finish the question.
AskingDid you ever stop to ask yourself why you have to stop to ask yourself something?
Ass from a Hole in the GroundIt's not like I can't tell my ass from a hole in the ground. It's just that I've learned the difference is trivial.
Ass KickingIt's a moot point whether your ass needs kicking, if kicking needs your ass.
Assisted LivingAssisted living? Hey, I never say no to help with my life!
Attention Deficit DisorderAre more people suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder these days, or are there just fewer things worth paying attention to?
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic')
AuditoriumsIf hell is a half-filled auditorium, heaven is an empty one.
AuthorityQuestion authority ask authority if it's lost weight or been working out recently, because it's really looking great.
AuthorityWhat is authority without accountability and how can I get a bunch?
Auto-tuneAuto-tune, but for a person's thoughts.
Autonomous Remote SensingAutonomous remote sensing *is* the eye of the beholder.
AweShow me a culture with no word for 'awe,' and I'll show you a people who've never had their tonsils examined.
Bad Hair DayIs it me having a bad hair day, or my hair having a bad me day?
Barack ObamaIf you say 'Barack Obama' backwards, it sounds like you're threatening to beat up an Arab.
BaseballYou gotta be ready for the fastball. – Ted Williams You gotta be ready for Ted Williams. – The fastball
BaseballYou gotta be ready for the fastball. – Ted Williams You gotta be ready for Ted Williams. – The fastball
BasketballThose Spanish basketball players who faked being intellectually disabled so they could win the gold medal at the Special Olympics: shouldn't the very fact that they were willing to do this qualify them for at least a bronze?
- (noted CIA research manager and shooting guard)
BeautyThough Michelangelo defined it as the essence of beauty, you probably want to be careful about calling a girl "the purgation of superfluities" on a first date.
BeautyToo bad for a lot of people that beauty isn't skin wide.
BeautyThe opposite of beauty isn't ugliness. The opposite of beauty is other beauty.
Becoming Who You Aren'tAre You Ready to Become Who You Really Aren't? suggested slogan for National Clandestine Service recruitment campaign
BedYou made your bed, now hide under it.
BedYou made your bed, now jump up and down on it.
Beg the QuestionStop begging the question get a job and earn the question like everyone else.
BeginBegin (v.) To start stopping.
BeingNot all seeing is believing, but it's amazing how much feeling is itching.
Being HighIf I can't be counted among the high and mighty, at least let me be counted among the high.
- (from 'The Naked Intelligence Officer')
Being There For YouI said I'd be there for you. I never said I would actually be visible.
Being Who You AreBe who, or whom, you are.
BeliefsThe danger in seeking to force our beliefs on others isn't that they may someday force their beliefs on us; it's that they may someday force *our* beliefs on us.
Best Foot ForwardWhen I put my best foot forward, I put my worst foot forward. What am I? (Answer: a sciapod!)
Best PracticesBest practices, good enough does.
Big DataI said my office had a big data strategy I didn't say we had a strategy for big data.
Big PictureIf it fits in a frame, it's not the big picture.
BiologyLife originally came from the ocean; which may explain why, whenever I'm in the ocean, I feel a deep urge to get out as quickly as possible.
BiotechnologyYou can’t fight genetics. Unless, of course, you happen to be born with a gene for fighting genetics.
BiotechnologyAll the time I thought I was sequencing my genome, it was my genome that was sequencing me.
- ('The Covert Comic')
BioterrorThe last day of camp, Jim took me aside and commended me for the work I had done that summer - not only on the team projects, but on myself. I looked down, kicked a pebble and said, "I never could have done it without your help isolating those restriction endonucleases, and showing me how to use ligases to join together the strands of my newly recombined DNA." Then I guess I got too embarrassed to talk any more, so I flapped my ganglia and bounded over to the bus. But I could tell by the look on several of his faces that Jim understood.
- (famed CIA biotech researcher, poet and covert activist)
BirdsBirds don't sing after a storm, they sing before the next one.
Bishop Fulton SheenIf not for his call to priesthood / The Bishop Fulton Sheen / Might have been a five-star general / Or even a famed drag queen
Biting The Hand That Feeds YouI'm not questioningthat I shouldn't bite the hand that feeds me, I'm questioning whether that's a hand.
Black HelicoptersIf you've thrown up in one black helicopter, you've thrown up in them all.
Black OperationsSecret 4808. Beware the operation so black it gleams.
Blackmail and BriberyWhen John le Carr said blackmail was more effective than bribery, he was paid off.
BlameWho seeks a scapegoat may find a scapeodile.
Blame GameThe problem with playing the blame game is that it always ends up going to penalty kicks.
Blessings in DisguiseThere's a reason blessings wear disguises.
- (
BloggingHenry Kissinger said that university faculty politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. Of course, that was before blogging.
- ((
BlowbackThe opposite of blowback is worse.
BlowbackThe op is the blowback, and the blowback is the op.
Body ArmorIf she wears lingerie under her body armor, date her. If she wears body armor under her lingerie, buy her a diamond ring.
Body PiercingNobody at work knows I have pierced nipples. Including me.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
Book BurningThe Internet has made book burning impossible and redundant at the same time.
BooksEducation is the progressive discovery of our own ignorance? Wow, there's another thing I didn't know!
Books'Oh for a book and a shady nook?' Oh for a shady bookie and some nookie.
BooksSecret 23810871. Books, like friends, should be few, well chosen, and fit neatly on a shelf.
BooksEverything truly valuable that I possess is in books (ever since I read 'How to Make a Hollow Book' on Wikihow).
BoozeThe more I study the Zen classics, the more I'm convinced those Zen students *wanted* to get caned.
Brain SurgeryI wouldn't object to being conscious during brain surgery, as long as someone told me where to cut.
BrainstormingThe guy who first came up with the idea of brainstorming didn't use brainstorming to come up with the idea.
- (A.K.A. The Covert Comic)
Breaking CharacterBreaking character *is* my character.
Breaking NewsWhen news breaks, what oozes out?
BrevityIf brevity is the soul of wit, why does it have more syllables?
BriefingsSecret 100268. The more important the briefing, the fewer the people in the room, toward a limit of -∞.
BriefingsSecret 9111941. Never assume you're in the right briefing room, no matter how long you've been standing there talking.
BriefingsNever assume your briefing audience is less intelligent than you. Carefully vet and edit the invitation list to make sure.
Broken HomeI didn't come from a broken home more like deliberately imploded.
BrouhahaBrouhahaha n. A particularly intense brouhaha.
Brown Eyed GirlProbability that Van Morrison chose the song title 'Brown Eyed Girl' because he couldn't remember her name: 67%.
Brush PassIn the brush pass of life, each of us is both case officer and agent. And in that most clandestine of encounters, the secret we deliver and receive is our self.
BuddhismThe Covert Comic said: If you meet the Buddha, subtly place a tracking device on him.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
Budget PlanningAn annual budget planning exercise by any other name would smell as sweet.
Burn BagSecret 4.1.85921. Just because it's thrown into the burn bag doesn't mean it ends up in the furnace.
Burn NoticeThe credo of every intelligence agency is a burn notice against the world.
Burning ManYou can't plan a trip to Burning Man and truly go there.
ButterfliesIt's said that butterflies flutter for a day and think it's forever. And if you've ever tried fluttering, you know how they feel.
ButterfliesA butterfly cannot see its own wings. But if it could, it would probably think: "So THAT'S what the hell happened to my abdominal prolegs."
CaesarWhat millions died that Caesar salad might be great.
Caged AnimalsWhen I see pictures of animals staring through cage bars, I always imagine they're sad because they can't let me out.
CagesI know why the caged monkey throws feces.
CahootsSecret 59.814001. To maximize operational security, avoid dark alleys, culs-de-sac, and cahoots.
CakeWho says you can't have your cake and eat it too? It's easy: just make two cakes!
CalligraphyI've been studying calligraphy. Not to boast, but I think I'm getting pretty good at it. For example, these sentences weren't typed.
Can-DoI said I have a can-do attitude. I never said I had a do attitude.
CanadaI like Canada, but I like the idea of Canada even better.
- ('America's funniest covert intelligence officer')
CanadaCanada was supposed to be a melting pot too, but the fuel lines to the heating element kept freezing.
Canada and the United StatesEric Nicol said 'Very little is known about the War of 1812 because the Americans lost it.' ... What I want to know is, which American went and told a Canadian we lost a war?
Cancer CellsA cancer cell only does what normal cells would do if they had the chutzpah.
CandlesAnybody I *can* hold a candle to, I drip hot wax on.
CapitalismI'll take social democracy over capitalism any day of the week (but not weekends).
CAPTCHAIf you can't figure out the CAPTCHA, consider the possibility that you're a machine.
CarThat 'If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention' sticker on my bumper isn't a political statement, it's a comment about my car.
Career-threateningCareer-threatening adj. 1. (Government) True.
CaringI tell everybody I couldn't care less, but deep down, I know I could if I applied myself.
Carl SaganExtraordinary Carl Sagan impersonations require extraordinary turtleneck sweaters.
- (CIA research manager and/or cosmologist)
CarpeCarpe nanosecundo.
Carpe Diem DulcisCarpe diem dulcis - seize a nice day!
Carpe Diem: a CIA Officer's TakeCarpe et interrogare diem - seize and interrogate the day.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
Case Officer's BlessingThe Case Officer's Blessing (a.k.a. the Case Officer's Curse): May your assets be twice as loyal to you as you are to your assets.
Castles in the AirThe trouble with castles in the air is that they tend to have leaky plumbing.
Castles in the AirWhat castle isn't built in the air?
Casual SexIt's not casual sex if you're really focused on doing it well.
Casual SexCasual sex causes sexual casualties. I got laid for coming up with that.
Celebrities Die in ThreesPeople who believe that celebrities die in threes die in three hundred thousands.
Central Intelligence AgencySecret #66. The best thing to come out of the US State Department is the Roosevelt Bridge.
Central Intelligence AgencyThe difference between a Top Secret document, and a document designated 'For Official Use Only,' is that the latter can be used as a doorstop in any US Government facility, while the former may only serve this function inside a secure US Government vault.
- ('America's funniest covert intelligence officer!')
Central Intelligence AgencyDo as I CIA, not as I DO.
Challenge/PasswordChallenge: 'If we had to pay for our stupidity, many would go bankrupt.' Password: If we had to pay for our stupidity, to declare bankruptcy wouldn't be stupid.
ChangeWe live in an era in which change occurs so rapidly that en cualquier momento hasta nuestro idioma puede cambiar.
ChangeYou can be the change you wish to see in the world ... or you can be the large denomination bills!
Change ManagementChange management consultants will always have a slide in their decks containing the phrase 'But we've always done it this way.'
Change ManagementIf we hire a change management consultant, do we have to supply the diapers?
Changing the SubjectAttempted to delicately change the subject. But despite being soiled, subject loudly resisted. contact report
CharacterThey say character is what you have after you've lost everything else. I say: if you've lost everything else, how much character could you have had in the first place?
- (noted CIA officer)
CharacterTo build character, use a 4D printer.
CharacterIf character is what you do when no one's watching, then since it's never the case that no one's watching, therefore you have no character.
CharityThe man who said "Real charity doesn't care whether it's tax deductible or not" - I'm willing to kill that guy for free.
- (('The Covert Comic' @
CharityIf charity begins at home, I bet I know in which room.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
ChemtrailsWe all live under the same sky, but not the same chemtrails.
ChemtrailsI don't make chemtrails. I am chemtrails.
ChildbirthWhy should men have to watch their children being born? Women don't.
ChildrenMy wife is thinking about having another baby. As for me, I've got a few questions. For example, how many children do we have now?
ChildrenI believe the children are the future. Now if I can just figure out a way to prove it.
ChildrenThey say you should never raise your hand to your children, but how else am I supposed to request their permission to speak?
Choose Your BattlesIf you can choose your battles, it's not a real war.
ChristianityI'm a committed Christian or at least a lot of people think I should be.
ChristiansBetter to be a Christian fed to lions, than a lion fed to Christians.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
CIAThe ultimate indignity for a Third World country isn’t to be spied on by the CIA. The ultimate indignity for a Third World country is to not be spied on by the CIA.
CIAIf I have seen farther than others, it's because I get to program the spy satellite.
CIAIf the American people knew what we at CIA know, that would make none of us.
CIASecret #81919.59. If thine spy satellite offends thee, send it into terminal orbit.
CIASecret #413.53. It's better to think you're a CIA agent when you aren't one, than to think you aren't a CIA agent when you are.
CIAAll the time I thought I was smuggling the hard drive containing the secrets, the hard drive containing the secrets was smuggling me.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
CIASecret #19,531.974. A lie told to a counterintelligence officer doesn't necessarily equate to a truth, but it will tend to work out that way.
- (from 'Real Men Don't Get Published')
CIASecret 76.46. It isn't an intelligence failure if you didn't have any intelligence to begin with.
CIAThe CIA Certainty Principle: You can be ignorant of a foreign organization's plans and intentions, or you can fail to influence that organization's plans and intentions, but not both.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
CIAThere's nothing funny about waterboarding. Especially if you wipe out.
CIAI believe inanimate objects have a soul. But then, I work for the Government.
CIASecret 3174.5. The CIA is the Kegel exercise of US intelligence.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
CIAThe more I study the Zen classics, the more I'm convinced those Zen students *wanted* to get caned.
CIAYou start off your career as an intelligence officer assuming every claim is either true or false. As the years go by, you begin to suspect it's more complicated than that. When at long last you become a mature intelligence officer, you realize it's not even that complicated.
CIATypical themes in CIA human intelligence collection include money, sex, treason, and lust for power. ... And those are just the things you need to requisition a good laptop.
- ('America's Funniest Covert Intelligence Officer')
CIAIs that a secret you're leaking, or are you just glad to see me?
- (from 'The Naked Intelligence Officer')
CIAIf you want to know what God thinks of National Intelligence Estimates, look at who He clears to read them.
- (notorious CIA research manager and author of classified prose)
CIASecret 36.91914. Female CIA case officers have well placed assets.
- (
CIAThere are two kinds of official secrets: the kind you're not cleared to know about, and the other kind you're not cleared to know about.
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic' (America's funniest covert intelligence officer))
CIASecret 30.91621. Intelligence analysts are anorexic. Reports officers are bulimic.
- (noted CIA research manager)
CIAGood intelligence isn't distilled, it's detoxed.
- ('My War on Terror!')
CIAThe International Spy Museum is located in Washington DC. The International Spy Zoo is located across the river in Langley, Virginia.
CIAIf I told you, 'If I told you, I'd have to kill you,' I'd have to kill you.
- (America's funniest covert intelligence officer)
CIAEvery diplomatic function is a catwalk of spies.
CIASecret 8601. It isn't a real intelligence failure unless it results in a budget increase.
CIAThe CIA is too fail to big.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
CIAThe CIA doesn't buy foreign governments, it leases them.
CIAFirst-tour CIA case officers target, spot, investigate, assess, develop and recruit. Mature CIA case officers have vodka for breakfast.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
CIAThe term 'CIA mind control' is a rare example of a triple oxymoron.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
CIASecret 1594032238. Once a NOC, never a NOC.
CIAAt CIA we're committed to transparency in government. In fact, we create transparent governments every day.
CIASmart CIA officers read 'Anatomy of an Intelligence Failure.' They understand that a solid grounding in anatomy is essential to becoming a skilled taxidermist.
CIAThere's nothing wrong with the CIA that can't be fixed by what's even more wrong with the CIA.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
CIAWhat's classified Top Secret in executive offices on the seventh floor of CIA Headquarters is common knowledge in clay huts on the sixth floor of CIA Headquarters.
CIASecret 45.331. An interagency intelligence task force is the sincerest form of flattery.
CIAIn 1942 Colonel William 'Wild Bill' Donovan created the Office of Strategic Services, which would later become the Miss USA Beauty Pageant.
CIASecret 29916091. It may be easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, but it's smarter to get ordered to do it.
CIAAny first-year analyst can tell you what's happening. But it takes a seasoned intelligence professional to show that nothing's happening.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
CIABlack budgets make you look slimmer.
- (CIA research manager, poet and covert activist)
CIAWhen it comes to working with heads of state, my preferred variety is the titular.
CIAIt's just CIA being CIA.
CIASome case officers drink to spy better. The best case officers spy to drink better.
- (from 'The Covert Comic')
CIASecret 16913011. Better a CIA front than a CIA backside.
CIASpookSpeak. Agent (n.) The average of a double agent and no agent at all.
CIAA typical breakfast for a CIA ops officer consists of a pastry and a piping hot cup of Armageddon.
CIAAt CIA we're not above criticism more like in a back alley on the other side of town.
CIAMirror, mirror on the wall, please point your cam at the shower stall. [context classified]
CIAThe enemy of my enemy, and my enemy, are both on the payroll.
CIAFew are pitched, but many are recruited.
CIALife at CIA isn't all spying, sex and gunplay. Every week or so you have to leave the HQS building and go home to pick up your mail.
CIAThe recruitment of a single asset begins with a thousand drinks.
CIASecret 50023101. It isn't the number of assets you recruit, it's the quality of the acrylic award plaques you get for recruiting them.
CIAAt CIA, there's a fine line between getting blown and getting blown.
CIAA reporter asked why the abstract art collection at Langley is classified Secret. As one who's seen it, I ask why it isn't Top Secret/SCI.
CIACIA under siege? More like doing siege doggy style.
CIAEvery man and woman is a spy agency of one.
CIAHe who fights and runs away / May live to fight another day / But he whose foe to flee does pay / Shall get promoted at CIA
CIAAs a CIA officer, I consider it an honor to give my life for my country. I just wish getting a new life didn't involve so much paperwork.
CIAIf it's not a crime to spy on an allied intelligence service, it's a crime not to.
CIAYou saw 9/11 coming? I gave 9/11 the handjob, and you weren't even in the room.
CIADelusion is believing you work for the CIA when you don't. Illusion is believing you don't work for the CIA when you do.
CIASome spooks work with flaps and seals. Others, with slaps and feels.
CIAThese days, my cover is the only part of me that gets blown.
CIAI never met a man I didn't mic.
CIAIt's a myth that if you join the CIA you can never see your family again. Most members of my family are still at least faintly visible.
CIAMan shall propose, God shall dispose, and a CIA spokesperson refuse to disclose.
CIASecret 1391.3.6. Assign a young operations officer old assets.
CIAThey asked me if she was an agent provocateur. I answered no, and passed the polygraph. ... Obviously, she was an agente provocatrice.
CIASecret 481080. If you can't pay the loot, don't recruit.
CIALie not with the uncleared if you talk in your sleep.
CIASecret 24. The more expensive the CIA office furniture in a movie, the cheaper the screenplay.
CIAYour loyalty is not for sale? How much to rent it?
CIAIntelligence Community Dis of the Day: 'Judging from his rate of motion, he definitely qualifies as an agent-in-place.'
CIAAs a CIA officer, I'm never swayed by emotions. Uprooted, hurled through the air, and smashed to pieces on the ground maybe, but never swayed.
CIACan I be cleared for the coffee and doughnuts, but not for the rest of the intelligence briefing?
CIA AssetsSecret 146250. A fool and his assets aren't soon parted.
CIA BadgeWear your CIA badge like it's an electric guitar and you're a member of the Sex Pistols.
CIA BrainwashingCIA brainwashing: 1. Wet brain and apply CIA liberally. 2. Gently massage into lobes. 3. Rinse brain thoroughly. 4. Repeat as needed.
CIA Cyber Ops SloganCIA Cyber Ops: blue screen of death of death.
CIA EmploymentIf you write on the mirror with your finger *before* it steams up, you're CIA material.
CIA LoveAn intelligence estimate will tend to generate greater interest if key sections are partially disclosed prior to publication (especially if they jiggle a little).
CIA Mind ControlCIA mind control? I personally know several CIA officers who are able to control their minds.
CIA OperationsIf this doesn't work, we'll never smell the end of it.
CIA OperativeEverything you need to become a CIA operative is already within you. While you were sleeping we implanted it under your skin.
CIA World FactbookSecret 33183551. Never update the CIA World Factbook until *after* you've updated the world.
CircusYou run away to join *another* circus.
Citizen of the WorldI may not be a citizen of the world, but I do have a B2 visa.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
ClandestineThe truly clandestine is not covert, and the truly covert is not clandestine.
ClassificationOnce an official document goes from unclassified to Unclassified, the forces pulling it toward Top Secret-codeword are all but irresistible.
ClassificationIn the beginning was the Classification, and the Classification was with the Word, and the Classification was the Word.
Classified Dr. SeussIf you ever did, you shouldn't. These things are fun, and fun is goodn't. The Classified Dr. Seuss
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
Classified InformationThere are more classifications than there are secrets. (U//ORCON//NOFORN//NOCONTRACTOR)
Cleaning UpWe can never clean up after ourselves, we can only clean up during ourselves.
CleanlinessI assume when people say 'clean as a whistle,' they mean the outside of the whistle.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
ClearancesWith each clearance granted, a greater clearance is revoked.
ClearancesThe funniest clearance is the Q clearance. The saddest clearance is Sensitive But Unclassified.
ClearancesUncleared, and cleared for nothing, are not the same.
ClearedCleared (adj.) 1. Officially granted access to classified information. 2. Sold at a discount. 3. Removed as unwanted refuse. 4. All of the above, in more or less that sequence.
- (noted CIA officer)
Clenched FistA clenched fist cannot give the finger.
ClevernessMy father always told me I was too clever times half.
ClichsAll things being equal, you'd never need to use this clich.
ClichesZombie cliche, n. A cliche that has attained a 'second life' through its use in new but equally trite contexts. 2. A cliche about, or spoken by, zombies.
ClichsAll things being equal, you'd never need to use this clich.
ClicksEvery link you click saves one life, and ends another.
ClockSaw a scientist on TV holding a picture of a clock hand approaching midnight. Apparently we're going to have six more weeks of winter.
ClosureTo obtain closure, shut the doorsure.
ClothesClothes make the man. Capes, the superman.
ClownsThe history of Western civilization can be divided into two main periods: the Clowns-Are-Funny era, and the Clowns-Are-Scary era.
Clowns and LawyersSt. Genesius is the patron saint of clowns and lawyers. Clearly, the Lord doesn't always work in mysterious ways.
CluelessnessTo be excessively clueful is an extreme form of cluelessness.
CoffeeCoffee is black. Coffee is matter. Therefore, coffee is black matter.
Coin a PhraseI assume the first person who said "to coin a phrase" said it twice in a row.
CoincidenceBelieve in coincidence? I'm not even sure if I believe in incidence yet.
CointelproseIt's always an appropriate time / For your intel reporting to rhyme!
Cold Hard FactsCold hard facts tend to spoil when exposed to air.
Collateral DamageNot all damage is collateral, but all collateral is damage.
CollectivismA little collectivism never hurt everybody.
Comb OversThere's no such thing as a good comb over. There are only great ones.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
ComedyClowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am: stuck in the cafeteria line at the Academy of Comedic Performing Arts with you.
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic')
Comic TimingThey laughed at Jesus, they laughed at Einstein, they laughed at Gandhi. What did these three have in common? Great comic timing.
CommentsPlease enter your comments in the space provided below (if you catch my drift).
CommunicationWhen I say I don't care what you think, I mean that I agree with you whatever you think.
CommunityNothing is more valuable than a shared sense of community. Here, please take mine.
- (
ComplicityComplicity is the mother of convention.
CompromiseOne compromises much to remain uncompromising.
ConcealTo conceal is to reveal, and to reveal is to conceal.
Condoms and BalloonsI'd rather think a condom was a balloon, than think a balloon was a condom.
Conference Calls"You are now joining the meeting as a useless sycophant and/or hanger-on." suggested automated conference call greeting for the other 98% of us
ConfigurationSecret 72252135. Depending on the configuration, you can *only* have your cake and eat it too.
ConfusionThe state of confusion has more than two senators.
Confusion Agents'Confusion agent' is a redundancy.
CongressWhich one of the Founding Fathers came up with the name 'Congress?' Based on his lifestyle, I've always assumed it was Thomas Jefferson.
Congressional HearingsA congressional hearing on a covert action scandal is typically about as scandalous, but involves more covert action.
ConscienceWhen wrestling with your conscience, watch out for its trademark move: the piledriver.
Conscience and the LawIf the law is at odds with your conscience, take the two of them out drinking by the end of the night they'll be best buddies.
ConservatismAs an American conservative, while I oppose the invasion of privacy, I support the privatization of that invasion.
- (legendary CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
ConspiracyNever attribute to conspiracy that which can be explained by a deeper, more sinister conspiracy.
ConspiracyNot offering an opinion one way or the other, but when I tried looking up the word 'conspiracy' in the dictionary this morning, it wasn't there.
ConspiracyDon't hate the conspiracy, date the conspiracy!
ConspiracyThe aim of the conspiracy is to come up with an aim for the conspiracy.
ConspiracyRemember, vast government conspiracies create jobs.
Conspiracy TheoriesI don't subscribe to conspiracy theories unless they include the swimsuit issue for free.
ConsultantsBetter a consultant who tap dances, than a consultant who does the moonwalk.
- (CIA research manager, poet and covert activist)
ConsultantsDefinition: 'Consult.' From the Spanish con ('with'), and Old Lower Norwegian slt ('salt').
Contact HighEvery high is a contact high.
Contact ReportSecret 9.6. When writing a contact report, the term 'intense vocalization' should be used in place of words like 'moan,' 'pant' and 'sigh.'
ContemptContempt breeds familiarity.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
ContractionsTop 3 most painful contractions: 3. Economic 2. Uterine 1. Grammatical
ControlControl is under the situation.
CoolI was into evaporative thermoregulation before it was cool.
Copying and PastingWhat you're really copying and pasting is copying and pasting itself.
Corollary of LarryThe corollary of Larry. The popularity of an eponymous corollary will tend to vary according to the degree to which its eponym rhymes with "Larry." (Also known as the corollary of Jerry, the corollary of Gary, the corollary of Harry, the corollary of Barry, the corollary of Mary, the corollary of Carrie, the corollary of Perry, the corollary of Terry, the corollary of Sherri, etc.).
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
CorporationsA corporation is considered a 'person' in the legal sense only. Obviously no human could emit dazzling light from their body like that.
Corrupted DataIf the criteria was whether it demanded a cash bribe, what data wouldn't be considered corrupted?
CorruptionTechnically speaking, you can't be incompetent *and* corrupt.
CosmologyIf God plays dice with the universe, who's the house?
CounterintelligenceCounterintelligence comes before intelligence in Webster's and a majority of the US intel community.
- (CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
CounterintelligenceIn the strip club of CIA counterintelligence, the dancer performs in an overcoat, while members of the audience get naked.
Counterintelligence*All* counterintelligence is offensive.
CounterintelligenceWhat we need is a multidisciplinary approach to counterintelligence. The more frequently a CI officer gets paddled, the better.
CounterterrorismIf you see something, CIA something.
Counterterrorism BriefingsAttended the latest counterterrorism briefing at CIA HQS. Hackneyed dialogue, boring plot, gratuitous sex scene. One and a half stars.
CourageA tiger can't eat you if you hide in a lion's stomach.
CourageWhat does the word 'courage' mean to me? I'll tell you what it means to me (but only if you promise not to get angry).
CourageShow me a man who's willing to fight when he has no hope of victory. Because I want to fight that man.
CoverHow do I know you're who you say you aren't?
- (from 'The Covert Comic')
CoverSaying is one thing, doing is your cover.
Cover StopLife is just another cover stop.
Cover StoryLife is a continual backstopping of one's cover story.
Covert ActionCan God design a covert action that's so secret even He doesn't know what He's doing?
Covert ActionIf a covert action fails, the next one will be ten times more expensive. If a covert action succeeds, the next one will be priceless.
Covert ActionA well conceived covert action program, forcefully executed now, may prevent the need for future intervention for hours to come.
Covert ActionCovert action speaks quieter than words.
Covert ActionCovert action is diplomacy carried to its logical contusion.
Covert Action and DiplomacyCovert action is the coffee and donuts of international diplomacy.
Covert ComicThe Covert Comic. Spymaster of the sleeper agent called love.
Covert OpsSecret 10022122. If the high point of a CIA covert operations program is higher than the low point, that program is a failure.
Covert vs. ClandestineIf it's a covert operation, you deny that you did it, but you don't necessarily deny it happened. If it's a clandestine operation, you deny it happened, but you don't necessarily deny that you did it.
CrapIf 90% of everything is crap, 10% of crap is something else.
- (A.K.A. The Covert Comic)
Crass CommercialismI despise crass commercialism though I have nothing against crassness itself.
CrisisIf we’re going to prepare for the worst, let’s damn well make sure it happens.
- ((
CriticsNever fish for compliments. Lob dynamite in the water.
Cult of IntelligenceBetter a cult of intelligence than a cargo cult of CI.
Cult of PersonalityI've created the cult, now all I need is a personality.
- (CIA research officer)
CuriosityThe fact that curiosity killed the cat isn't an argument for not being curious, it's an argument for not being a cat.
CustomersIf the customer is always right, try adjusting your riflescope.
Cut to the ChaseForget the chase let's cut to the crash.
CYAThey practice CYA the most who have the least A to C.
Cyber EspionageIn cyber espionage, the cloak and the dagger are one and the same.
Cyber SabotageCyber sabotage n. The subverting of an adversary by providing them with a functioning computer network.
CynicismThe darkest hour has only sixty minutes. But it has 3,600,000,000,000 nanoseconds.
CynicismNothing is more precious than a shared sense of community. Here, please take mine.
DaisiesA stone trips you. A daisy reaches up and pulls you down.
DamnedI'm damned if I do, but I'm only darned if I don't.
DanceSecret 561.915. *All* dancing is belly dancing, given a sufficiently large belly.
- (from 'The Naked Intelligence Officer')
DanceNot dancing is also a dance.
DancingRemember, Fred Astaire did everything Ginger Rogers did, but he did it backwards and wearing a tuxedo.
- (from 'The Naked Intelligence Officer')
DancingWhen the dancing starts, don't worry about what others will think of you, just get up and leave.
DangerMore people have been mauled to death by teddy bears than grizzlies.
- (Noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
Danger and OpportunityIn danger lies opportunity. The bigger the danger, the bigger the lie.
Dangerous IdeasIs the idea that an idea that isn't dangerous isn't worthy of being called an idea dangerous?
Dangle OperationsSecret 80916003. If it doesn't hurt when they snatch it, it isn't worth dangling.
Dangling Participles'Lying in a beach chair, drink in hand, the sun sank below the horizon' is a dangling participle? I've seen the sun do that lots of times.
Dare to DreamDare to dream of dreaming daringly.
Dark AgeLiving in a dark age isn't so bad if you have night vision goggles.
Dark MatterDark matter is attitude.
Dark Night of the SoulAn upside of the dark night of the soul: no lines at the convenience store of the soul.
Dark WebWe're all auctioned on the dark web every day.
DaysHave a next day!
Dead HorsesThen again, is there any use *not* beating a dead horse?
Dealing with Difficult PeopleIf you keep a copy of "Dealing with Difficult People in the Workplace" in your cubicle, guess who the difficult person in your workplace is.
DeathI told you I wasn't sick.
- (suggested epitaph (from 'Who Killed The Covert Comic?' -
DeathIt isn't that you can't cheat death, it's that death can't cheat you.
DeathSooner or later, most of us die from complications of being ourselves.
DeathFlightless birds, too, fall to earth.
Death and DyingWhenever I hear someone say: 'He died doing what he loved,' I always think: "He loved dying?"
Death and RelationshipsThey say death ends a life, not a relationship. But usually the relationship is at least partly responsible.
Death is Not the EndDeath is not the end. Death is the middle linebacker.
Death of DemocracyThe death of democracy likely won't result from conspiracy or war, but from some sexually transmitted disease democracy catches while sleeping around.
DeathbedSecret 45810161. We're all on our deathbed, but some of us are jumping up and down on the mattress.
DeceptionLife begins at deception.
DeceptionLife begins at deception.
DecryptionIn order to decrypt our COMINT, I need COMINT about our decryption.
Delusions of GrandeurGive me a delusion of grandeur over real grandeur every time.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
DemocracyBackroom intrigues punctuated by occasional covert action are no substitute for democratic government. They ARE democratic government.
DemonsWhen wrestling with your demons, try to use more convincing moves than the bronco buster, the slingshot, and the worm.
DesperationDesperate measures call for desperate times.
DevastatedTo be devastated is a luxury of the devastatable classes.
DIADIA-va (n.) An employee of the Defense Intelligence Agency with an attitude.
Different DrumTo make someone stop marching to the beat of a different drum, march alongside them.
Differently AbledRemember, Superman is differently abled too.
DignityThey say a man can be destroyed, but he can't be defeated. I say: that’s good enough for me.
Dignity of OfficeDue to budget challenges, the dignity of office has been replaced with the dignity of cubicle.
DigressDigress v. [Portmanteau of di- ("twofold," "double") + progress (to develop toward a more advanced state)] To be twice as informative and enlightening.
DigressingRemember: they can't prove you're digressing if you don't specify a topic.
DiplomacyChaos is the greatest impediment to, and most useful result of, rational diplomacy.
DiplomacyDiplomacy and covert action don't mix. They bind chemically.
Diplomacy'Diplomatic mission' is an oxymoron.
DiplomacyDiplomacy and intelligence are sisters which explains all the pinching and hair pulling.
Director's CutDirector's cut? Let's hope it's a major artery.
DirtSecret 27915981. After you dig up the dirt, put it back in the hole.
Dirty Little SecretsHow a dirty little secret gets found out is usually a dirtier little secret.
DisIntelligence Community Dis of the Day: Her name will go down on history.
Dis InformationIt's dis information, with a space, where I come from.
DisasterWhen the bottom falls out, it'll be the new top.
DiscretionSecret A good backstop is the better part of discretion.
DiscriminationI judge people by the color of their skin, but in infrared.
- (The Covert Comic isn't like you, The Covert Comic is love you.)
DiversionYou create a diversion, and I'll try to escape. But don't make it *too* good a diversion, otherwise I might forget about escaping and stick around to watch. [context classified]
Do It Right or Don't Do It at AllThe 'or' in 'Do it right or don't do it at all' is inclusive.
DocumentationA living, breathing document is also an eating and defecating one.
Dodging QuestionsI never dodge a question. I'm too busy dodging answers.
DogMy bark may be worse than my bite, but I can still hump a mean leg.
DogsLife is a series of dogs and generally that series ends with a Rottweiler.
DogsThe older he gets, the more my neighbor talks to his dogs. The older I get, the more I talk about my neighbor talking to his dogs.
DogsEvery dog has its day, but does any dog know that?
Dogs With Flea CollarsHe who lies down with dogs with flea collars, shall get up with no fleas.
Don't Touch meDon't touch me I don't know where I've been.
Don't Try This at HomeDon't try this at home. Do this at home, or do this at home not, there is no try.
Don't Try This at HomeCome to think of it, maybe it's best if you don't try *anything* at home.
Doomsday ClockLet's hope the Doomsday Clock doesn't move *too* far back from midnight, because that could be dangerous too.
Doomsday ClockDoes the Doomsday Clock take into account daylight saving time? Because we may be in better shape than we think.
Double StandardA double standard is a scandal. A single standard is an atrocity.
DoubtSecret #3311.596. When in doubt, stay there.
DoubtWhen in doubt, doubt likes it if you talk dirty to her.
Doux DiligenceIt's *doux* diligence where I come from.
- (noted CIA officer)
DreamsAll my life I've dreamed of being one of the movers and shakers. So far I'm half way there: I’m a shaker.
DreamsThose who dream by day are cognizant of many things that escape those who dream only at night. ... For instance, how to fill out a food stamp application.
DreamsNever lose sight of your dreams. There's no telling the trouble they'll get into if left unsupervised.
Dribs and DrabsMore dribs, fewer drabs.
DrinkingMaybe drinking wouldn't kill so many brain cells if brain cells didn't cause drinking to have such a low sense of self-esteem.
DrinkingMaybe drinking wouldn't kill so many brain cells if brain cells didn't give drinking such a low sense of self-esteem.
DrinkingYou don't drink to drown your sorrows, you drink to give them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Drinking AloneTo drink alone is to buy a round for the whole universe.
Drinking and TalkingDiplomats drink while talking. Ops officers talk while drinking.
DrizzleNo thunder was ever angry, nor dark cloud somber. But every drizzle is definitely embarrassed.
- (Noted CIA officer)
DrugsAlways keep drugs out of the reach of children. And for maximum entertainment, keep them just out of reach.
- (from 'My War On Terror!' (
DrugsAlways keep drugs out of the reach of children. And for maximum entertainment, keep them *just* out of reach.
Drugs and InterventionThe intervention is the drug.
Ducks in a RowAs long as you have two or fewer, your ducks are always in a row.
DumbfoundedDoes it count as being dumbfounded if you were kind of dumb already?
E = mCIAE = mCIA
- (noted CIA research manager)
E-mailThe longer the e-mail chain marked "Urgent!" drags on, the less urgent it was in the first place.
E=mcIt's right there in the U.S Constitution: E=mc.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
EatingDon't get eaten by that, you'll ruin its appetite!
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
EatingDon't get eaten by that, you'll ruin its appetite!
EcologyIf you're living in your own toilet, don't flush.
EducationEducation is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance? Wow, there's another thing I didn't know!
- ( a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
EducationIf you think education is expensive, try buying drugs in the hallway after class.
- (Noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
ElephantsWhat an elephant never forgets isn't worth knowing in the first place.
EmbarrassmentEmbarrassment is the cold sore on the lip of freedom.
EmpathyI would never fake empathy to get someone to like me, though I might fake empathy to get myself to like them.
EncryptionSecret 23911370. Oh what an encrypted file we create, when truth we endeavor to relate.
EncryptionSecret 18033-3. If the key to her heart is 128 bits or greater, you're probably wasting your time.
End of DaysMost who claim to be citizens of the world couldn't qualify for a transit visa.
End of the WorldWhen they say it's the end of the world as we know it, are they referring to the world, or the end?
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
End of the WorldCharles Schulz said: 'Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.' ... I've been calling Australia all morning, and there's no answer.
End UsersEnd users? You have no idea how much I'd love to.
End WellIf it can't end well, don't end it.
EnemiesThe problem with loving your enemies, is that sometimes your enemies love you back.
- (America's funniest covert intelligence officer!)
EnemiesI have everything I need to destroy my enemies in a manila envelope. Now if I could just figure out a way to get them in there.
EnemiesAll I ask is that you judge me by the enemies I've made. I'm particularly proud of the large papier-mch ones.
EnergyEnergy equals mass times the speed of light scared.
EnergyEnergy equals staff times the speed of life scared.
Entry Wounds"Entry wound" is a redundancy.
EnvironmentOne world. One species. One temperature.
EnvironmentIf a band plays a slow song at a Live Earth concert, it's OK to hold up your cigarette lighter, as long as you don't actually light it.
EnvironmentalismEnvironmentalists think dolphins are smarter than people. Dolphins think dolphins are smarter than environmentalists, but not as smart as people.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
Erectile DysfunctionThe clinical term 'erectile dysfunction' should not be confused with 'male impotence,' which is a concept in cosmology.
- (Noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
Erection PillsKnowing I paid fifty dollars for an erection pill would make me need another one.
Escape VelocitySometimes escape velocity is a negative number.
EsperantoAccording to Wikipedia, Esperanto is the most widely spoken constructed auxiliary language in the world. Which makes me proud to be writing this sentence in Esperanto.
- ('The Covert Comic')
EspionageI would never recruit an intelligence agent who was willing to have me for a case officer.
EspionageI would never recruit an intelligence asset who was willing to have me for a case officer.
EspionageSecret 94.6. Early to bed, early to rise, makes for ineffectual spies.
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic,' noted CIA officer)
EspionageSecret 003126. In espionage, useful intelligence tends to come in dribbles. And that's a polite way of putting it.
EspionageThe expert crowd is adept at blending into a spy.
EspionageWho spies on my ally / Is likewise my ally
EspionageAn intelligence agent is to intelligence as a nerve agent is to nerves.
Espionage and Covert ActionGentlemen do not read each other's mail. They write it.
Essential versus PeripheralIs the line between the essential and the peripheral essential or peripheral?
Eternal TruthIt can change every ten minutes, and still be eternal truth.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
EternityEternity merely postpones the inevitable.
Ethnic CleansingBy stripping it of natural moisturizers, ethnic cleansers leave your ethnicity dry, wrinkled and flaky.
EuropeSecret 71.1. You can't get a Slurpee in Europe. But you can get a Sleuropee.
- (from 'The Naked Intelligence Officer')
EverythingThat there's a time and a place for everything in no way implies that the two intersect.
EverythingThat everything happens for a reason in no way implies that anything does.
EvidenceThe claim that extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence is extraordinary.
EvidenceExtraordinary claims inspire extraordinary evidence.
ExceptionsThe exception grooves the rule.
Exclamacin, signo deIn Spanish, an exclamation mark is used at the beginning as well as the end of a sentence. If you're going to be getting excited, Spaniards want as much advance warning as possible.
ExistentialismI read that children in America's inner city schools confront death and hopelessness on a daily basis. ... It's good to know they're finally teaching existentialist philosophy in America's inner city schools.
- (America's funniest CIA research manager)
Exotic DancerThree legs. To me, *that's* an exotic dancer.
ExperienceExperience is a double agent.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
Experts'Expert' - from the adjective *pert*, meaning 'lively' or 'effective,' and the prefix *ex-*, meaning 'not.'
EyewashThis secret is eyewash.
EyewashSecret 21021190. Always write your eyewash so that you're covered in case it becomes true.
FacebookFacebook is spy dust for the social media age.
- (noted CIA research manager)
Facial RecognitionTo defeat facial recognition technology, disguise your face to look like who you really are.
FactsLet the facts lie for themselves.
FactsLet the facts speak for themselves, and they'll generally plead the Fifth.
FadsThe Law of Fads. By day 30 of any fad, a 102-year-old woman will have successfully participated, and a teenager will have died trying.
Fair to MiddlingIs it closer to fair or to middling?
FakeThe first fake was also an original.
Fake BreastsAll breasts are fake.
Fake NewsNews (n.) Fake fake news.
FakingIt's easier to fake an orgasm than to fake not having one.
Faking ItAm I getting tired of faking it, or am I faking getting tired of it?
Fallback ActionFallback action: back all factions.
Falling DownHave you ever been walking along, and suddenly the toe of your shoe catches on the ground and you almost trip and fall on your face? No? ... Good, me neither (I was just checking).
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
False Flag OperationSecret 6, 3-4. Life is a false flag operation.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
False Statements Under OathThe statements I provided under oath were not false, they were substantially mispronounced.
FamiliarityFamiliarity breeds contempt? Gee, I never heard *that* idea before.
Family ValuesHate is not a family value. Hate is family itself.
Famous Facts of GeographyFamous Secrets of Geography: The world's largest Muslim mosque is located only three hundred feet from the Grand KFC of Mecca.
Farewell TourThis farewell tour known as life.
Fat PeopleIf E = mc, this presumably explains all the energetic fat people.
Father's DayOpen letter to my wife and kids: If Father's Day has already passed, then thanks for the best Father's Day any dad could ever hope for.
Father's DayYou were the last guy with me on Saturday night. entry in Father's Day essay contest: 'You're a Father If ...'
FBI*All* FBI agents are special.
- (Famed CIA officer)
FearWe don't have to live in fear. We can move out to the suburbs and commute to fear instead.
FearNever love that which you fear. Always fear that which you love.
FearThe only thing we have to fear is we itself.
Fearing the WorstTo fear the worst is to ignore a much more terrifying possibility.
FeminismThis morning I saw a fish without a bicycle, and you know, it DID kind of remind me of a woman without a man!
- (- from 'My War On Terror!')
Femme FataleSecret 28322. Boring an enemy agent to death also qualifies one as a femme fatale.
Filing CabinetsMetal filing cabinets are coming back. And this time they're angry.
FilmThe best thing about viewing a letterbox version of a film is that you see a lot less of it.
- ('America's Funniest Covert Intelligence Officer')
FilmsWhat kind of films do I prefer? It depends on the substrate.
Final AnalysisIn the final analysis, jokes about the phrase "in the final analysis" should definitely be included, because it would be a shame to pass up an opportunity like that.
Finding GodI found God. Where do I turn him in?
- (noted CIA officer)
Finding ThingsThe saying 'You always find a thing in the last place you look for it' is refutable at will.
Finger BumpOpen letter to the Italian national soccer team: When celebrating a goal, instead of the "fist bump," give each other the finger bump, like God and Adam in that Michelangelo painting.
Finger PointingPeople who say 'Let's not point fingers' are pointing talons.
First PitchWhen a celebrity throws out the first pitch at a baseball game, I think it should count. If the celebrity throws a strike, leave 'em in.
Fish OilIf fish oil is so good for brain function, how come it didn't help the fish?
FlagsThe Australian flag is noteworthy in that, cosmologically speaking, it's becoming less accurate with every passing second. By contrast, the cosmological accuracy of the American flag is actually increasing over time.
FlatteryFlattery will get me nowhere? That's a hell of a lot better than the place I am now.
Fly off the HandleCan someone please reattach me to the handle? I need to fly off it again.
FoiblesChief among man's foibles is the decision to name them 'foibles.'
- (from 'Real Men Don't Get Published' (
Folk Song RuleThe Folk Song Rule. If the number of people who know a folk song about you is ≥ 2, the probability that you died violently is > 90%.
Follow Your BlissI tried following my bliss, but it employed countersurveillance and got away.
Foolishness and WisdomThe opposite of doing one fool thing after another is doing one fool thing before the next.
- (noted CIA author)
Fools'Never argue with a fool?' ... Is there someone *else* to argue with?
Forbidden FruitIt could have been worse: instead of forbidding a fruit, God could have mandated a vegetable.
Forbidden TruthsThe tighter the asshole, the louder the fart.
ForecastingIf you must forecast, play it safe and forecast the future.
Foreign Policy*All* policy is foreign.
Foreign PolicyA sensible foreign policy is worth a hundred covert operations. ... Only twelve more ops to go.
Forgive and ForgetTo forgive and forget is noble, but to forget is more efficient.
Forgive and ForgetI'm willing to forgive and forget, but damned if I'll be forgiven and forgotten.
FortnightIf you've ever stayed on a military base, you know why two weeks is called a fortnight.
FortuneWhen fortune smiles on you, check to see if she's licking her chops.
- (CIA researcher, poet, and covert activist)
Fortune CookieIf you want to read the fortune, you've got to break the cookie.
Four-letter WordsThe ultimate four-letter word is 'I.'
Frank ZappaFranz Kafka. Frank Zappa. ... Coincidence?
FreedomLive free or die (or more likely, both).
- (America'
FreedomThe clash of freedoms isn't necessarily the sound of ideas.
- (America's funniest covert intelligence officer)
FreedomFreedom without discipline is chaos. Discipline without freedom is tyranny. Therefore, freedom with discipline is tyranny and chaos.
FreedomA little taste of freedom, and a lot of people's lives spiral totally into control.
Freedom of ConscienceI support freedom of conscience. I set my own conscience free years ago.
Freedom of Information ActWWJD: What Would Jesus Declassify?
Freedom Of Information ActThe unredacted text hides a black smudge mark.
Freedom vs SecurityThose who would trade freedom for security deserve neither. At least hold out for faster downloads.
Freedom vs. SecurityThose who would trade freedom for security shall be forced to throw in extra draft picks.
FreethinkerI'm a freethinker, but I do charge per diem.
FriendsThey say it's the friend you can call at 4:00 a.m. who matters. You can call me at 4:00 a.m. just be sure to speak clearly after the beep.
Fudged DataThe data isn't fudged, it's semi-sweetened.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
FulfillmentWas it good for me too?
Furtive GlancesSecret 0.8913981. A furtive glance usually isn't.
FutureActually, here in the future, what everyone longs for is 15 minutes of total anonymity.
FutureThe real F-word is 'future.'
- (from 'My War On Terror!' (
FutureHere in the future, the best exit strategy is still the time warp.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
FutureI bet whoever first said 'The future is now!' feels like a total idiot today.
FutureIf there's one prediction we can safely make about the future, it's that guarding the self-destruct mechanism will continue to be a remarkably low-paying job.
- (from 'The Naked Intelligence Officer')
FutureThe future was now.
FutureMessage to the future: I'll help you if you help me.
FutureThere is no future. You'll see.
Future'Like' there's no tomorrow???
GamesTwo can play at that game! Now go find someone to play with.
GenderIf men could get pregnant, you just know they'd get pregnant twenty or thirty times a day.
GeneralsGenerally speaking, generals shouldn't speak.
Genetic EngineeringInstead of building a better mousetrap, why not just genetically engineer an inferior mouse?
Get Over ItPlease get over getting over it.
Giant-JugglingDwarf-tossing may be banned, but giant-juggling is still perfectly legal.
Glass Half Empty or Half FullAt the atomic level, the glass is 99.99% empty space. Hope this helps.
Global AffairsWhere I work, you're not considered an expert on global affairs until you've had at least one on every continent.
Global WarmingI cried because I had no carbon credits. Then I met a man with no carbon.
- ('America's funniest covert intelligence officer')
GloryActually, if guts are involved, I'd rather not have the glory.
GloryWhat price glory, and do you accept coupons?
Go Ahead, See if I CareGo ahead, see if I care. (And if you find out I do care, please let me know.)
GodI assume God isn't constantly depressed at the suffering of those souls cast into hell for all eternity for denying Him. On the other hand, I assume God doesn't just forget about these people either. ... Probably God is sort of mildly bummed out all the time.
GodGod may be subtle, but He's delicious!
GodWhenever God opens one secure vault, He automatically closes and locks all the others.
GodIf God had an operating budget, would it cost more to run heaven or hell?
God and DoorsWhenever God kicks in a door, He padlocks it later.
God and the UniverseGod does not play dice with the universe - He plays Russian roulette.
- ('America's Funniest Covert Intelligence Officer')
God Does Everything for a RaisinGod does everything for a raisin. OK raisin industry, you know how to contact me if you want to talk.
GodsWhom the gods would destroy, they first make gods.
GolfIn an alternate universe, the golf ball starts out in the hole, and you have 5 strokes or less to get it back onto the tee.
- (America's funniest CIA research manager)
GolfGolf owns the distinction of being the sport which is most similar when it's being played to when it isn't.
GolfWhen C.S. Lewis characterizes the path to hell as "the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts," his description sounds suspiciously like a golf course.
GolfWhat angers you masters you. What mildly annoys you Puerto Rican Opens you.
Good Intel, Bad IntelSecret 89715271. Good intel assets get you promoted. Bad intel assets get you intel.
Good ListenerNot a good listener??? When have I ever failed to receive your HTTP request and indicate your destination IP address and port???
Good Things in LifeI don't expect the good things in life to be handed to me. Just wheel them up to the sofa, and I'll reach over and get them myself.
Good Versus EvilSometimes, what seems like an evil is really the good in disguise (which, if you think about it, is kind of evil of the good).
GoogleThe future is not googleable. I found that on Google.
GovernmentThe mightiest of weapons is truth. And everyone knows you’re not permitted to enter a Government building with a weapon.
GovernmentIt's true we're borrowing from future generations. But we're doing it to pay dead people, so really it kind of evens out.
GovernmentI’m a Federal official. So when my wife tells me I’m the hottest thing she’s ever seen, I know she means it; because she knows that if she was lying I’d have to arrest her.
GovernmentWhen people really fear the government, they get jobs there.
GovernmentThe government that peers over your shoulder can also look down your shirt.
Grape FlavorGrape flavor doesn't really taste like grapes, it tastes like purple.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
Gratuitous Sex and ViolenceWhen you say 'gratuitous sex and violence,' do you mean as in uncalled for and inappropriate, or as in provided free of charge?
Greater GoodGive me the lesser evil over the greater good every time.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
GreedThere's a fine line between greed and thoroughness.
GridBetter live off the grid, than live off the grid.
Grim ReaperHe may be called the Grim Reaper, but his body language says "This is one fun job."
GroupthinkOne group's brainstorming is another brain's groupthink.
GrudgeIt's not necessarily wrong to hold a grudge, as long as you refrain from heavy petting.
GrudgesWhen nursing a grudge, lie sideways, position yourself nose to nipple, and don't push the back of your grudge's head.
GruntingSecret 222311997. Whoever would tell it like it is had best be good at grunting.
GunsI know it’s just a silly superstition, but I never go out of the house without my lucky gun.
GunsWhere I come from, 'distraught gunman' is a contradiction in terms.
GunsA gun is a symbol of human failure - at least if no one's firing it.
GunsPlease don't speak to me in that tone of gun.
GunsI'm not pro-gun so much as anti-anti-gun.
HammersWhatever makes a nail go in is a hammer.
HappinessFaulkner was right, only vegetables are happy. And even then, only the cucumbers and zucchini.
HappinessSecret #43,912.7. All revolutions devour their own children. All democratic reform movements lightly snack on their own children.
HappinessThe problem isn't that we postpone happiness, it's that we reschedule happiness to twenty years ago.
HappinessThere's no secret to happiness. It's actually classified top secret codeword.
Happy EndingsThe term "happy ending" is a redundancy.
Hard ChoicesHere in America we believe success is about making hard choices. And nobody makes choices harder than we do here in America.
Hard PartThe hard part is over. Now comes the soft, gooey part that's impossible to get off one's shoes.
HasslesThe cause of most hassles is assles.
HateThe statement "Hate is not a family value" does not apply to members of one's own family.
HateHate needs the hated more than love needs the loved.
HateWe only hate what we don't understand. What we understand, we hate, loathe and despise.
Head of StateShe gives good head of state. contact report
Heart vs. HeadIf your heart tells you one thing and your head another, give the deciding vote to your ass.
HeartbreakSome hearts are broken, others are popped like a zit.
HeavenThe sign 'Abandon hope, all who enter' also hangs at the gates of heaven.
HeliumThe universe is 9% helium. We're all talking in a squeaky voice all the time.
HellThat sign at the gates of hell that reads 'Abandon hope, all ye who enter' if you're standing in line to enter hell, is it OK to hope you see that sign?
Helping OthersHow can I help others unless I first stop them from helping themselves?
Herding Cats"Like herding cats" ... you mean, like opening a can of tuna???
Here and NowIn the time it takes to say 'here and now,' it's already there and then.
HeroesThe world needs more heroes its soup is tasting a little thin.
Hidden AgendasI had a hidden agenda, but I forgot where I hid it.
HidingSecret 91.1.1. You don't go into hiding, hiding goes into you.
High RoadThe high road has too many potholes.
HindsightActually, hindsight is more like 00.
HindsightIn retrospect, maybe we shouldn't have used so much hindsight.
HistoryWhenever someone complains that the world isn't what it used to be, the world is what it used to be.
HistoryThe Stone Age didn't end because people became more intelligent. It ended because they ran out of rocks.
- (from 'Real Men Don't Get Published')
HistoryThe present is pregnant with the future. And when I find out who knocked her up, he's history.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
HistoryBe angry about history only if you're prepared to be ecstatic about history.
HistoryHistory may be written by the victors, but it's published, marketed and distributed by the aarons, the hannahs and the sols.
History and PhilosophyHistory is philosophy teaching by example? History is philosophy being made an example of.
Hoaxes and RealityIt's a hoax *because* it's real.
Hokey PokeyIntelligence Forecast of the Week: Quantum physicists will discover that the hokey pokey is actually *more* than what it's all about.
HolidaysNovember 13th is World Kindness Day. November 16th is International Day for Tolerance. Trust me, you do NOT want to confuse them.
HolidaysA kitchen full of family makes for a family full of kitchen.
Holy GrailsIt's only a holy grail as long as you don't find it.
Holy WarThe term 'holy war' isn't an oxymoron, it's a redundancy.
- (noted CIA author and covert activist)
Home62% of all home injuries occur in the hotel room.
HomeI didn't come from a broken home. More like a hyperextended one.
Home ImprovementHome improvement is where the heart improvement is.
Homeland SecurityWho will guard the guardians who are guarding the guardians?
Honey TrapThe United States does not employ the honey trap method to recruit foreign intelligence assets. The United States *is* the honey trap method.
HoneypotAn attractive walk-in approached me at the embassy and proposed sex for secrets. At first I hesitated, but her information *was* pretty good.
HopeHope has feathers. Hope floats. And sometimes hope soars. Therefore, if it quacks, we can safely infer that hope is a species of duck.
House HuntersI like watching 'House Hunters' especially when they kill, dress and skin the house.
HTML11% of Americans believe HTML is a sexually transmitted disease. In reality, HTML is caused by bacteria living in the lower bowel.
HubrisHubris n. The use, especially in a public setting, of the word hubris.
Human RightsTechnically speaking, shouldn't the title of world's worst human rights violator go to a country like Switzerland?
HUMINTKnowing why an asset provided good intelligence is better intelligence.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
HUMINTContrary to popular perception, HUMINT is not acquired by means of sex, though you can get it from sitting on a public toilet.
HUMINT and TrufflesHUMINT is like truffles: it's expensive, to get it requires digging up dirt, and you spend a lot of time working with pigs.
HumorTo laugh at life isn't so hard, once you master the rapid pulmonary convulsions.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
HumorYou know more than you think you do, but you think less than you know you do.
HumorWhen it comes to casting stones, he who is without sin will tend to have minimal hand-eye coordination.
HumorI may not have friends in high places, but I have places in high friends.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
HumorAlways keep your sense of humor securely locked in a Class TXTL-60 safe.
Humorous WisdomWhat goes around comes around only if you fail to maintain sufficient orbital velocity.
- (noted CIA research manager)
Hung ParliamentOne man with the truth can make a majority though depending on the size of his truth, he may constitute a hung parliament.
HungerA hungry man is not a free man. Though you can usually get him at a substantial discount.
- (Noted CIA poet and covert activist)
HypocrisyHypocrisy is putting a bumper sticker on the back of your car, but not on the back of your head.
I Don't Care What You ThinkWhen I say I don't care what you think, I mean that I agree with you whatever you think.
Ice CreamIf living well is the best revenge, and revenge is a dish best served cold, living well must be ice cream!
IconoclastIn an opposite universe, the iconoclast creates the icon. Why We Couldn't Possibly Be Living in an Opposite Universe, Reason 11.9
Ideas'Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.' Is it bad if I ask who said this?
IdeasNever reject an idea because it challenges conventional ways of thinking. Reject it because it's an idea.
IdeasI haven't the slightest idea but I'm working to make my ideas slighter and slighter every day.
Iditarod'Iditarod' is how a person pronounces the word 'idiot' when their lips are frozen.
If I Had It to Do All Over AgainIf I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't change a thing (pretty much by definition).
If I Knew Then What I Know NowCome to think of it, I probably *did* know then what I know now.
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic')
If Life Hands You LemonsSince when does life hand out free fruit???
If You're Not Outraged ...Can I not pay attention and just be outraged all the time?
- (notorious CIA research manager (
IgnoranceIgnorance is blissinformation.
IlluminatiAs a CIA officer, I've actually met members of the Illuminati. And I can tell you that, aside from the fez hats and tiny cars, they're basically ordinary folks.
IllusionsThe explanation of the illusion is the greater illusion by far.
ImmigrationIf you want to be successful in comedy, you have to tell jokes that people in America today understand. So here goes: 'El presidente Bush ha mandado que los que no hablen ingles correctamente se vayan de los Estados Unidos inmediatamente.'
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
ImmigrationJust because you're a second class citizen doesn't mean you should be treated like an undocumented immigrant.
- (noted CIA officer)
ImmortalityLord, what immortals these fools be!
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
ImpartialityMay our impartiality never be based on indifference, but on controlling all factions and setting up an office pool to bet on who wins.
ImpossibleNever use the word 'impossible.' Use 'non-budgetable' it's stronger.
In the Land of the BlindIn the land of the blind, how does the one-eyed man prove he's king?
- (noted CIA research manager)
Inconvenient TruthsAmerica has 5% of the world's population, yet consumes 50% of the world's resources. At this rate, America will soon have 100% of the world's population, and then everything will be OK
IndifferenceI'm not indifferent. I'm adifferent.
- ('America's funniest covert intelligence officer')
IndignationSecret 65021. The size of a mind is inversely proportional to the amount of indignation that will fit inside it.
InfluenceInfluence (n.) What an operations officer attempts to get a target under, in order to recruit that target to be an agent of.
Ink of the ScholarThe ink of the scholar is holier than the blood of the martyr, the latter having a tendency to gum up toner cartridges.
InsanityIt's OK to frequently quote the saying: 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,' as long as you don't expect anything to change as a result of doing this.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
InsanityDoing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results isn't insanity, it's stupidity. Doing the same thing over and over again and observing different results, that's insanity.
Inspirational Quotes'If you lived in your heart, you'd be home by now.' I bet if you're a Dirofilaria Immitis parasite, this saying cracks you up every time.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
Instant GratificationAll gratification is instant by definition.
INTThe HUMINT refutes the SIGINT that refutes the OSINT that refuted the HUMINT.
IntelinkIntelink is the apocalypse it was created to help the Intelligence Community prevent.
IntelligenceFor a mid-level government employee, James Bond sure doesn't seem to get much sex.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
IntelligenceThe term 'intelligence' is a rare example of a one-word oxymoron.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
IntelligenceThe word 'intelligence' is its own best antonym.
IntelligencePlease don't insult my intelligence my sources are doing the best they can.
IntelligenceSecret 2591. If you can't assure, obscure.
IntelligenceIntelligence is its own euphemism.
IntelligenceIntelligence is too important to be left to the intelligent.
IntelligenceAll intelligence is an elegy to itself.
Intelligence AnalysisIf physics is the universe's operating system, then an intelligence estimate is life's core dump.
Intelligence AnalysisIf intelligence analysis means anything, it means informing policymakers of potentially unpalatable truths. So let's just be glad intelligence analysis doesn't mean anything.
Intelligence AssetsNo one intelligence assets are alike.
Intelligence AssetsA CIA ops officer never uses an asset as a 'discard' to protect more valuable assets. A country or two maybe, but never an asset.
Intelligence AwarenessIntelligence awareness begins with me? What a nice thing to say!
Intelligence Community'Intelligence Community' - choose one.
- (Noted CIA officer)
Intelligence EstimatesSecret 41026092. The situation aspires to its intelligence estimate.
Intelligence FailuresThere are no intelligence successes, only intelligence failures gone wrong.
Intelligence GapThe Covert Comic: glans clitoridis of America's intelligence gap.
- (from 'The Covert Comic')
Intelligence LeaksIntelligence Community Dis of the Day. 'His analysis leaks for itself.'
Intelligence OfficersAn intelligence officer cannot afford to be a moralist. The entertainment expenses alone would bankrupt him inside a month.
Intelligence ReformMy position on intelligence reform? Doggy style.
Intelligent DesignAs a believer in the theory of intelligent design, I see evidence of God's supreme plan everywhere. For example, the Jesus Lizard, with its large hind feet and flaps of webbed skin between each toe – exactly like Jesus had!
- (from 'My War On Terror!' (
Interagency CooperationInteragency cooperation is a two-way street. You drive on your agency's side of the street, I'll drive on mine.
International Day of NeutralityDecember 12th is International Day of Neutrality. It could have been another date, but nobody had a preference one way or the other.
International PoliticsIf you find your international sphere of influence expanding, try cutting back on fatty countries.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
InternetWhen you type your name in the Internet browser of life, do you receive a Page Not Found message?
- (from 'My War On Terror!' (
InternetOn the Internet of the future, it won't be what you click, but how you click it.
- (America's funniest CIA research manager)
InternetThe original Internet was spoken conversation, but there were too many 400 and 500 errors.
InternetThe Internet has made it possible to sit amok.
InternetGive me the Internet of Thangs any day of the week.
Interpersonal SkillsI never met a person who never met a person they didn't like I liked.
InventionI bet invention wishes it was adopted.
- (noted CIA research manager)
IotasOK, maybe one iota, or two iotas at most, but definitely not three.
Iraq WarWith a name like 'Sunny Triangle,' how unpleasant a place could it be?
IronyIrony, n. The realization that Paul Anka co-wrote the song 'My Way.'
IslamIf you die waging jihad, you shall be rewarded with 72 virgins in the afterlife. ... That’s you, plus six dozen adolescent girls, for the rest of eternity. Truly, Allah is just.
IssuesWhen getting out in front of an issue, always remember that you're running on a circular track.
It Goes Without SayingIt goes without saying especially if it owes you rent.
It Is What It IsSecret 955-39. That it is what it is does not imply that it isn't what it isn't.
It Takes All KindsNot only does it take all kinds, it never gives any of them back.
It Takes One to Know OneIt knows one to take one.
ItalicsItalians speak in italics all the time.
James AngletonThere's a little bit of James Angleton in every CIA officer. Counterintelligence implants a portion of Angleton's DNA inside us when we EOD.
JesusWSRBSWJPOHC: What self-righteous bumper sticker would Jesus put on His car?
- (noted CIA officer)
JobsIf you know what your job is, it's time to start looking for a new one.
JokesA joke at one's expense is its own reimbursement.
JokesIf the joke's on you, experts recommend keeping calm and utilizing the 'trap and roll' mount escape.
Jokes and GodIf you could tell God just one joke, what would it be?
JournalismSecret 0.81201. 9 out of 10 stories with legs have cellulite.
JourneysI don't doubt that getting there is half the fun. What I want to know is: how much fun is being there?
JugglingI want to take a class to learn how to stop juggling.
JusticeWhen a horse is hanged for stealing a man, then shall we be certain of justice.
- (from 'The Naked Intelligence Officer')
JusticeWherever decent people fight against injustice, there you'll find me, offering odds.
JusticeIt's good that justice is blind I just wish she had a better sense of smell.
KarmaBasically, your 'karma' can be defined as the exact inverse of the quality of your sex life.
KarmaIf you say the word "karma" backwards multiple times, it sounds like you're chanting "America."
Keep Your Rear to the GroundFor years I thought the saying was 'Keep your rear to the ground.' And truth be told, it's always worked pretty well for me.
Kick AssHe who kicks ass should not wear shoes with laces.
Kids TodayKids today want the world handed to them on a silver platter. Back when I was young, we expected nothing less than a platter made of gold.
Kill and TellIf I didn't have to kill you, I wouldn't tell you.
KillingYou don't teach a man something by killing him. That's my job.
KindnessNever mistake kindness for weakness. Kindness has been known to kill people for doing that.
KindnessIf being kind is more important than being right, how about not saying this constantly???
KindnessThe teaching 'Be kind, for everyone you meet is carrying a heavy burden' is that burden.
KirkukThe fact that London is full of somebody elses isn't necessarily a reason to move to Kirkuk.
Know ThyselfKnow thyself, but officially disavow the relationship.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
Know ThyselfKnow thyself provided thou hath an official need to know.
KnowingNot knowing is more than half the battle. National Clandestine Service motto
KnowingKnowing that knowing is half the battle is 25% of the battle.
Knowing and the BattleThe battle is twice the knowing.
Knowing BetterYou should know better than to know better!
Knowing One's Ass from a Hole in the GroundTo actually know one's ass from a hole in the ground is to appreciate that the difference is mostly cosmetic.
Knowing What One is DoingI said I knew what I was doing. I never said I knew what would happen after I did it.
KnowledgeIf knowledge is but sorrow's spy, it proves a double agent, by and by.
- (CIA research officer)
KnowledgeIf it's not what you know, but who you know, what's the point of knowing this?
Knowledge and PowerKnowledge may be power, but I'm not really into "being powerful."
Lady-KillerSecret 6391391. If she calls you a lady-killer, note that she isn't dead.
Large Hadron ColliderSay what you will about the Large Hadron Collider, it keeps particle physicists off the streets.
Late to the PartyThere's none so late to the party as he who hosts it.
LaughIt isn't he who laughs last, but he whose laugh lasts.
Laugh Because You Must Not CryWhen laughing because you must not cry, can you please not make that snorting sound?
Laugh So That You Don't CryWhat if, when laughing so that you do not cry, you laugh so hard you cry?
Laugh TrackIf it weren't for the laugh track, how would we know when to stop laughing?
LaughterTo laugh at one self is a sign of health. Especially if you cough up blood.
- (from 'The Naked Intelligence Officer')
LaughterLaughter always pardons after it has indicted, convicted, condemned and summarily executed.
LawLaw floats in a sea of ethics provided the law is lightweight enough and the ethics sufficiently salty.
Law of the Intelligence JungleThe law of the intelligence jungle: brief or be briefed.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
Leaking SecretsLeak not the secret, lest the secret leak you.
LeaksYou can't plug a leak without getting your fingers wet.
LeaksSome secrets are leaked. Others, sh*t out.
LeaksWhen investigating a leak, the first question isn't who, but from what orifice.
Leave Well Enough AloneLeave well enough alone. Take bad enough out for dinner and a movie.
Less is MoreIf less is more, how much is the same amount?
Less is MoreLess is more, but only marginally.
Lessons LearnedWhen is the Lessons Learned review on the Lessons Learned review?
Lessons LearnedThe lessons-never-learned review is way more useful.
Lest We FuggedaboutitLest we fuggedaboutit.
Letting GoHang on too long, let go too soon.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
LevelheadedBe levelheaded, that your head be not leveled.
LeversGive me a lever, and I shall move the world ( oh, and I'll also need a world).
LibertyThe problem with trading liberty for security: per IRS rules, fair market value of bartered services received is taxable income.
LiesThink twice before you tell a lie. It'll help you get your story straight.
Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics (Not The Quotation You're Thinking - Or Maybe It Is)The difference between lies and damned lies is statistically insignificant.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
LifeI am now so out of it, I'm into it.
- (noted CIA officer and motivational author)
LifeNo one values life less than a paid assassin. And yet, no one values it more.
LifeLife is like an onion: I find it most agreeable fried.
LifeNot only is life too short, it has acne and looks geeky in gym clothes.
LifeLife is like a kumquat: some parts are sweet, some parts are bitter, and its name sounds funny.
LifeIf I had my life to live over? Like I don't live my life over every goddamn day.
LifeWhatever life isn't too short for, it's too long for by half.
LifeLife is a denied area.
Life Is Too ShortApparently life *isn't* too short to go around making pronouncements about all the things life is too short for.
LightsabersLightsaber User Manual, Section 7, Note 7.52.5. Never look into the emitter matrix of your lightsaber to see if it's functioning properly.
LimousineThe longer the limo, the shorter the ride.
Listening DevicesSecret 4747. If you find two listening devices in your hotel room, disable one.
Literary RegionalismLiterary regionalism is the description, through a weaving of dialect, characters and customs, of why you don't want to live in that region.
LiteratureThis book definitely has staying power. I threw it off my deck two months ago, and several sections of it are still in my backyard.
- (also known as 'The Covert Comic.')
Live Fast, Die YoungLive fast, die young which is it going to be???
LivingDoes the saying 'Live life one day at a time' refer to solar days or stellar days? Because the difference can be nearly 4 minutes.
Living Beyond One's MeansI just found out I've been living beyond my means. When the hell did I get means???
Living MachinesWe'll know we've built a machine that's truly alive when it commits suicide.
LoftinessSome change their party for the sake of lofty principles. Last weekend I changed my principles for the sake of a loft party.
Lofty PrinciplesSome change their party for the sake of lofty principles. This weekend I changed my principles for the sake of a loft party.
- (CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
Lonely At The TopIt must be lonely at the top. Otherwise why would all those helicopters filled with beautiful young groupies keep flying up the mountain?
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
Lonely at the TopThose who complain that it's lonely at the top never invite you up there to keep them company.
Lonely at the TopThey say it's lonely at the top. Down here at the bottom, of course, it's one big sex party.
- (noted CIA officer)
Loose EndsI said to tie up loose ends I never said anything about torturing them.
Loose LipsLoose lips may sink ships, but they can definitely make a submarine rise.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
Lord Giveth and Lord Taketh AwayRather than giveth and taketh away, maybe it would be best for all concerned if the Lord just held on to it.
Losing FaceYou can't lose face if you don't have one.
- (noted CIA officer)
LoveSometimes love isn't enough. The rest of the time, it's overkill.
LoveThe problem is, I'm in love with you, but you're in love with me.
LoveIt takes all kinds of people to make the world go 'round but only two to make it bounce.
LoveLove covers a multitude of sins almost as big a multitude as sin itself.
LoveLove isn't gazing together in the same direction, but looking around in opposite directions, to cover each other against hostile fire.
LoveLove is like a rose: only an amateur attempts to handle it without elbow-length, puncture-resistant, knuckle-reinforced pruning gloves.
LoveBe swift to love. You'll get it over with sooner.
Love Above All ElseWhen placing love above all else, if you use a crane, the upper sheave on the jib isn't higher than your love, it's *part* of your love.
Love and UnderstandingA lot of people think they need love and understanding, when all they really need is to win the lottery.
Love Is in the AirLove is in the air. Remember to maintain your lead and follow through on your shot.
Love the One You're WithIf I *can* be with the one I love, is it still OK to love the one I'm with?
Love TriangleI've never been caught up in a love triangle, but I have had sex in a pentagon.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
Low-hanging FruitThe low-hanging fruit acquires the fungal propagules.
Lowest Common Denominator*Every* common denominator is the lowest.
LyingLying in politics isn't as old as the hills, lying in politics created them.
MadnessSecret 24.84. Truly great madness cannot be achieved without a significant intelligence agency.
- (CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
Make or BreakThe 'or' in 'make or break' is inclusive.
Making a DifferenceAnybody can make a difference the idea is to make a sum.
Man and ToolMan has become a tool of his tools? Man, what a tool.
ManagementIf you can lose your head when all about you are keeping theirs, chances are I work for you.
MaanaOne aspect of Latin culture I find objectionable is the 'maana' attitude they take toward everything. I mean, why the big hurry?
MapsThe map is not the territory. The territory contains way more errors.
MarriageBefore you marry a woman, have lunch with her ex-wife.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
MarriageA celebrated feminist famously refused to call herself a housewife because she said she hadn't married a house. By that logic, I'm definitely a walkinclosethusband.
MarriageSometimes I think our dog understands me better than my wife does. But then I remember that my wife understands our cat better than I do, so I guess it more or less evens out.
MarriageMy wife and I have an understanding: No.
MarriageMy wife says I'm great in bed I don't snore or hog the blankets.
Marshall McLuhanWhen Marshall McLuhan wrote "Vietnam was lost in the living rooms of America," I always assumed he was talking about US media coverage of the Vietnam war. But when I slid my grandparents' sofa out from the wall this evening, guess what I found!
MartyrdomNot only am I willing to die for my beliefs, I'm starting to get pretty good at it.
MartyrdomAs thou stoneth the martyr, so thou martyreth the stone.
MasturbationIs that a pickle in my pocket, or am I just glad to see me?
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
MaterialismThere's more to life than acquiring things. There's also leasing out those things and investing the net income to acquire still more things.
Math0 0 =
MathematiciansCelebrity mathematicians die in 3.14159265359's.
MauveMauve isn't a color in the National Terrorism Advisory System mauve is terror itself.
MediaThe concept of 'media hype' is itself a paradigm example of it.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
MediaIf you want unslanted news reporting, go find some unslanted news.
MediaWhen media distorts the truth, it's only responding in kind.
Median of TimesIt was the best of times, it was the worst of times; which means that, by definition, it was also the median of times.
MediocrityWhen I'm mediocre, I'm very mediocre. But when I'm average, I'm mediocreer.
Medium is the MessageThe medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.
MeetingsSecret 111.234. To observe meeting etiquette and arrive at a meeting on time requires that you violate meeting etiquette and leave the previous meeting early.
- (noted CIA research manager)
MeetingsHaving a meeting to attend is still the best way to get out of having to attend a meeting.
MeetingsOne person's delusion of grandeur may be several other people's Monday morning staff meeting.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
MeetingsWe learn genealogy the morning after an earthquake. ... What? It's 'geology?' That too.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
MeetingsThe Law of Meetings: Few are the meeters, many are the meetees.
Meetings'Meeting' shouldn't be a dirty word. It shouldn't be a word at all.
MegalomaniaThere can be only one 'i' in 'megalomaniac'.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
MemoryMemory is not a painter - memory is a minimum wage department store employee with a price tag gun.
- (America's funniest covert intelligence officer ...)
MenWhy do men have nipples? Because we can.
Men and WomenActually, behind every man, great or not, there's an average of 1.2 women. So what exactly is your point?
Men And WomenMen and women really aren't that different from sperm and ova. Like sperm, many men try to enter one woman simultaneously. And like an ovum, the woman usually accepts one or two of them within about twenty-four hours.
Men and WomenMen and women are equal, but women and men aren't.
MercyWhen throwing yourself on the mercy of the court, use the diving elbow drop.
MetaphysicsWhatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore, not lifting weights makes me stronger.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
Method and MadnessThere's less than 2% method in the madness, and only about 6% madness. The rest is fillers, preservatives, and artificial coloring.
Middle ClassRead that middle class Americans may soon be an endangered species. Wondered how long before it's illegal to trap them and sell their pelts.
Middle ManagementSuccess in middle management is about stampeding by example.
MildewIt's said that some walk in the rain, while others just get wet. As for me, I tend to mildew.
MimesWhen Marcel Marceau said "Do not the most moving moments of our lives find us without words?" I assume he wasn't all that excited at the time.
Mind ControlMind control means using both hemispheres.
Misery Loves CompanyMisery loves company, but company just wants to be friends.
MisinformationMisinformation es tusinformation.
MisogynismMisogynist es tusogynist.
Mistaken IdentityMistaken identity? As if every identity isn't a mistake.
ModerationModeration is defined by end points.
Moments and WordsFor every moment for which we have no words, there are ten thousand words for which we have no moments.
MoneyDo debt counseling services accept credit cards?
MoneyA fool, and a previous fool's money, are soon joined.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
MoneyMoney is the poot of all evil.
Monkey on BackIf there are any unattached monkeys out there, my back is currently unoccupied.
Monkeys and MonksIf, as the saying goes, we are descended not only from monkeys but from monks, who hit on whom?
Monogressing But I monogress.
Moral BankruptcyIf you're morally bankrupt, declare Chapter 13 moral bankruptcy that way you get to keep your moral car.
MoralityWhen they say 'You can't legislate morality,' do they mean it's against the law?
MoralsWhoever said 'the higher the buildings, the lower the morals' had no idea what was being built underground.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
MorningMorning has broken? Please don't fix it before noon.
Mortgaging the FutureLet us not mortgage our future let us reverse mortgage our past.
MothersSooner or later we all quote our mothers. Bernard Williams my mother
MotivacionNo hay *I* en *team*, pero hay dos *yos* en *yo-yo*.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
MotivationalSecret 1.1111884. No one can make you feel inferior without my consent.
MotivationalIt's good to have your head held high, as long as you're the one doing it.
MotivationalIf all you can be is roadkill, then stink up twenty miles of interstate.
MotivationalIt isn't the size of the dog in the fight that counts, it's the size of the prime numbers that fighting dog can count to.
MotivationalFortune favors those in motion. And don't forget, oozing is a type of motion.
MotivationalNo hay 'yo' en 'equipo', pero hay 'i'.
MotivationalIt's better to have done something than to have been someone. But to have done someone, this is the most excellent of all.
MotivationalI'm not a 'drain', I'm an inverted fountain!
MotivationalNever be ashamed to say "I don't know" (unless no one's talking to you).
MotivationalThere are no menial jobs. But you're welcome to check back next month.
MotivationalInnovative thinking combined with decisive action results in career-making internal investigations.
MotivationalThe difference between slime and sublime is *you be*.
MotivationalIf you don't run your own life, someone else may ask you to run theirs.
MotivationalIf you can dream it, you can do it. If you can't dream it, the CIA probably doesn't want you doing it.
Motivational'Motivational speech' is an oxymoron.
MotivationalEvery problem is an opportunity in disguise you can usually tell by looking at the nose.
MotivationalYou have your whole life ahead of you and if you don't get moving, it's going to lap you for sure.
Motivational QuoteThe statement 'Think outside the box' does not constitute permission to leave it.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
Motivational QuoteGo limper, play deader.
Motivational Quote from RussiaThe Russian word for 'team' is 'komanda.' In Russia they have a motivational saying: Is strongly advised to have 'da' in 'komanda.'
Motivational QuotesIf it falls on me and pins me underneath it, does that count as seizing the day?
- (legendary CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
Motivational QuotesIf you told someone 'I have an idea,' and they thought you said 'I have diarrhea,' would what came out of you after that make them change their mind?
- (famed CIA officer and motivational speaker)
Motivational QuotesIt's amazing what you can accomplish if you're really terrible at accomplishing things.
Motivational QuotesThere's no time like the present *any* time is better than now.
Motivational QuotesThey never snap, who remain forever soggy.
Motivational QuotesIn the time it takes to say 'It's impossible,' someone has already finished saying 'It can't be done.'
Motivational QuotesIf it can dream you, it can do you.
Motivational Quotes for ZombiesStagger like nobody's watching. Eat brains like you'll never be shot in the head. Motivational Quotes for Zombies
Motivational SpeakersThere's a fine line between a prophet and a really bad motivational speaker.
MulletDon't get your hair cut in a mullet it'll stay that way!
- (noted CIA research manager)
Mushroom CloudThey call it a mushroom cloud because 'cauliflower cloud' would just be *too* scary.
MuteSorry, what was the question? I was listening on mute.
Mute ButtonIf you're not speaking and your mute button is off, please stop breathing.
NavetTo be nave is to be alave.
- (noted CIA officer)
Naked AggressionThe phrase 'naked aggression' is a redundancy.
Naked TruthThe naked truth has stretch marks.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
Names"I thought you were the one," I told her sadly. "You were close," replied Theone.
NamesA lovely female name in your language sounds like the word for a bathroom utensil in someone else's.
NanointelligenceGet into nanointelligence before it gets into you. suggested recruiting slogan, CIA Directorate of Science and Technology
National Intelligence EstimateNational intelligence estimate, n. A government's self-assessment of how smart it is, typically (and rightly) classified secret or higher.
National Intelligence EstimateToward an upper limit of twenty, for each word in the Executive Summary of a National Intelligence Estimate he or she actually reads, a policymaker's influence in the making of policy decreases by five percent.
National Intelligence EstimateSecret 13613013. Ask not of whose nation a National Intelligence Estimate is written; it's written of thine own.
National Intelligence EstimateThe Key Judgments in this NIE completely contradict each other. That said, the document is not without its flaws. [context classified]
National Intelligence EstimatesOpen letter to the DNI: As a first step in reforming National Intelligence Estimates, consider dispensing with the sing-along section.
National SecurityThe greatest threat to our national security is our National Security.
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic')
National SecurityPower exercised under the cloak of national security is odious. But power exercised under the microkini of national security is totally hot.
NDEHow do we know the tunnel leading toward the Light isn't a throat?
Near Death ExperiencesWhen I had my near death experience, the Light showed me ways in which my life might have turned out differently. For example, instead of being a software programmer-analyst, the Light showed me how, by living, choosing, and loving in other ways, I could have been a software analyst-programmer.
NecrophiliaI'm not into necrophilia, though this could be considered a matter of semantics when I masturbate.
Need to KnowNeed to know does not imply need to give a damn.
NegligenceGross negligence? Wait a minute I was negligent WAY less than 144 times!
NegotiationThe statement 'You don't get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate' is just an opening position.
Never BeforeNever before has before seemed more like never.
New Lease on LifeThe downside of being given a new lease on life: having to choose between a straight-line or double declining balance depreciation method.
New York TimesThe New York Times said "A clear conscience needs no public information officer." The Times doesn't have a public information officer they have a Vice President for Corporate Communications.
NewspeakAffirm 1984 ungood place, but Newspeak doubleplusgood language.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
Nice GuysLeo Durocher said "Nice guys finish last." Leo Durocher's career managerial record says a-holes finish third.
Ninjas98 out of every 100 ninjas today are employed serving restraining orders against the other two.
Nito']pickingNitpicking is better than no picking at all.
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic,' notorious CIA research manager and aphorist)
No Easy AnswersNo easy answers? I know plenty of answers that'll do it on the very first date.
No HurryNo hurry take all the time you have.
No Ifs, Ands, or ButsThere are no ifs, ands, or buts about it (there are, however, numerous howevers, althoughs, neverthelesses and notwithstandings).
No Magic Bullet*Every* bullet is magic.
NOCDog spelled backwards is God. NOC spelled backwards is NOC.
NOCWhen opportunity NOCs, it makes no sound.
NomebodyNomebody n. A person regarded as being more than a nobody, but less than a somebody.
Non-Practicing CatholicI'm a non-practicing Catholic, but they keep me in the lineup because I play well in big games.
Non-ViolenceNon-violence is better than no violence at all.
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic')
NonviolenceSecret 911.1906. Nonviolence is better than no violence at all.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
NormalityThe *real* N-word is 'normal'.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
Norman ConquestThe Norman conquest forever changed English from a mix of bad German and bad Latin, to a mix of bad German, bad Latin, and bad German-Latin.
North KoreaEver notice that the Korean Peninsula looks a lot like Florida? And the similarities don't end there. Just like North Koreans, North Floridians tend to be thinner and paler, and have a massive armed presence along the Demilitarized Zone.
- (CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
NostalgiaWhy can't things be like they weren't?
- (notorious CIA officer and pundit)
Not Even CloseSometimes, 'not even close' means already there.
NothingNothing is more vital to our nation's security than timely, accurate intelligence. But don't tell nothing that, or it'll get a swelled head.
Nothing Ever Goes AwayBarry Commoner said 'Nothing ever goes away.' ... Whatever happened to that guy?
Nothing for GrantedCIA ops officers take nothing for granted. And nothing deeply resents it.
Nothing Lasts ForeverNothing lasts forever. Nothing's that brief.
Nothing to HideI have less than nothing to hide.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
Nothing to LoseHe who claims to have nothing to lose has the most precious thing of all to lose: the claim of having nothing to lose.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
NSAYou'll never hear me complain about NSA surveillance of US citizens (as long as you don't work for NSA).
Nuclear WarSecret #411.979. Never nuke a hostile country when it's busy nuking itself.
OasesInside an oasis, there are many little deserts.
- (Noted CIA research manager)
Obscenity Law'Obscenity law' is a redundancy.
OccupyThe Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.
Ockhams RazorWhen William of Ockham stated his famous principle 'Ockham's Razor' in his book Summa Logicae, he waited until chapter twelve to say it.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
Ockhams RazorWhen William of Ockham stated his famous principle 'Ockham's Razor' in his book Summa Logicae, he waited until chapter twelve to say it.
- (famed CIA research scientist)
Ockham's RazorWhen William of Ockham stated his famous principle 'Ockham's Razor' in his book Summa Logicae, he waited until chapter twelve to say it.
Ockham's RazorWhen William of Ockham stated his famous principle 'Ockham's Razor' in his book Summa Logicae, he waited until chapter twelve to say it.
Ockham's RazorWhen William of Ockham stated his famous principle 'Ockham's Razor' in his book Summa Logicae, he waited until chapter twelve to say it.
Ockham's RazorWhen William of Ockham stated his famous principle 'Ockham's Razor' in his book Summa Logicae, he waited until chapter twelve to say it.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
Ockham's RazorWhen William of Ockham stated his famous principle 'Ockham's Razor' in his book Summa Logicae, he waited until chapter twelve to say it.
Old SayingI don't care what it says, I'm just comforted knowing there's an old saying.
Oldest Trick in the BookThe oldest trick in the book is the book.
One Handed WisdomWhat is the sound of one hand clapping your smooth, firm, perfectly rounded buttocks?
One-Time PadIn the part of Langley where I come from, 'safe house' and 'one-time pad' mean the same thing.
One-World GovernmentI'm all for one-world government, assuming we can find a world.
Online ReputationI want to hire an online reputation consultant, but I'm worried it might affect my reputation online.
OnomatopoeiaThe word 'onomatopoeia' sounds exactly like what it describes.
Open Secrets'Open secret' isn't an oxymoron, it's a redundancy.
OpinionJust because your opinion counts doesn't mean it should multiply.
OpinionsYou are entitled to your opinion. The consequences of your opinion are entitled to you.
OppressionWhoever oppresses my brother, oppresses me (because I was trying to oppress my brother first).
OrderMachine Out Of Order. New Order On Order.
- (noted CIA officer)
OrganizationsSecret 73.009. In a large organization, the term 'waste management' will tend toward redundancy.
OrganizationsSecret 1318.89. He who fights with middle managers should see to it that he himself does not become a middle manager. And when you gaze long into an organization, the organization gazes into you.
- (noted CIA intelligence officer)
OrgasmI have multiple orgasms. The problem is, they're a multiple of √-1.
OrgasmSpookSpeak. Orgasm n. A fake fake orgasm.
Orgasms*All* orgasms are faked.
- (from 'The Naked Intelligence Officer')
OrificesWhenever one orifice closes, another opens.
Original vs. CaricatureIn an opposite universe, the original imitates the caricature. Why We Couldn't Possibly Be Living in an Opposite Universe, Reason 7491213
Out of Body ExperienceI want to have an out-of-body experience, but I keep thinking: if I was my body, would I feel like letting me back in???
Out-of-Body ExperiencesA major reason I'm skeptical of out-of-body experiences is that they imply in-body experiences are somehow possible.
OutrageIf you're not outraged, you're not paying attention. ... Then again, if you're not paying attention, what makes people think you're going to notice their stupid bumper sticker in the first place?
OutrageWhere's the outrage? 'Cause that's where I wanna be!
- (legendary CIA officer)
OverweightThey say self-delusion is sucking in your stomach when you step on the scale. But how *else* are you supposed to see the numbers???
OwnershipWhen challenged to take ownership, check to see if the property's condemned.
PacifierSecret 692701. The pacifier changes, the sucking remains.
PainIf pain is nature's way of telling us to be careful, nature is pain's way of saying 'It's party time!'
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
PainIf you have congenital analgia, and a doctor cures you, can you sue him for pain and suffering?
PainHand over the nociceptors, and nobody gets hurt.
PaintingWhenever I see a painting of a nude woman, I always imagine how angry she must have been when she found out.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
Panama PapersPanama Papers n. (Intelligence Community) A brand of rolling papers used for smoking Panama Red.
Paper TigerIn a tissue paper jungle, the paper tiger is justly feared.
Paper TigersA paper tiger can still give a nasty paper cut.
Paper, Rock, ScissorsProposal for resolving the 'paper defeats rock' controversy: eliminate paper, rock and scissors altogether, and replace them with the following more realistic hierarchy: intercontinental ballistic missile pellet gun mouse chewing on power chord.
Paradigm ShiftParadigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?
ParaprosdokianA paraprosdokian may be defined as a phrase, the second part of which is unexpected given the apparent meaning of the first, but let's not.
Past, Present, FuturePast, present, future: a collusion to perpetuate a delusion for the sake of an illusion.
PatriotismI’m always suspicious of people who say ‘My country, right or wrong.’ It implies they think our country could be wrong about something.
PatriotismPatriotism may be the last refuge of a scoundrel, but hey, at least I'm helping my country.
PeaceSometimes I think the cause of peace would be immeasurably advanced if bullets could only travel one mile per hour. But then I think: what about all those people in Wisconsin?
PeacePaul the Apostle said: "Seek peace and pursue it." ... He never said anything about actually obtaining it.
- (from 'My War On Terror!' (
PeaceThe person who asks 'Why can't we all just get along?' is usually the answer to that question.
PeaceSecret 807.1. Anything war can do, peace can do better. Especially kill people.
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic,' notorious CIA research manager and aphorist)
PeaceIf we can't peacefully resolve our differences, let us at least violently resolve our similarities.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic (noted CIA officer and covert activist))
PeaceIf we can't peacefully resolve our differences, let us violently resolve our similarities.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic (noted CIA officer and covert activist))
PeaceYou can't shake hands with a clenched fist. Then again, you can't do the fist bump with an open hand either.
PeacePeace beat upon you.
PeaceI have peace within. I killed, skinned and ate it.
PeacePeace through strength neutrinos through solid matter.
PeacePeace is too important to be left to the peaceable.
PeaceSecret 0.5914210. Peace is a mistress: you keep her with secrecy, deception and cash.
Peace and TruthIf the first casualty of war is truth, peace awards truth a medal, then discharges truth from the hospital to sleep on a park bench.
Peace StudiesThe only alternative to coexistence is co-extinction. And even then, the difference is mostly packaging.
- ((noted CIA intelligence officer))
Peace Studies*Real* ultimate fighting means learning to be friends.
- ((noted CIA intelligence officer))
PennsylvaniaPhiladelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh.
PeoplePeople who need people who need people need the luckiest people in the world.
PeoplePeople who are needed by people who need people aren't the luckiest people in the world.
People PersonYou're either a people person, a non-people person, a people non-person, or a non-people non-person.
Personal DemonsSometimes I wish my personal demons had a little more imagination.
- (A.K.A. The Covert Comic)
Personal DemonsI credit my mother for helping me to recognize my personal demons. She sewed my name tag on each one.
Personal DemonsI used to wonder why I didn't seem to have any personal demons. Come to find out: *I'm* a personal demon!
Personal InvolvementI said I wasn't personally involved in his assassination. I never said I didn't kill him.
PerspectivePutting things in perspective really puts putting things in perspective in perspective.
PerspectiveAn end table is a beginning table depending on your point of view.
PessimismMaslow was wrong - it's when the only tool you have is a screwdriver that every problem looks like a nail.
Peter PrincipleThe problem with the Peter Principle is that it assumes somebody somewhere is competent in the first place.
PetsA dressed pet is its own revenge.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
PhilosophyActually, even if something killed me, I bet it would make me at least a little bit stronger.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
Photoshop of LifeIn the Photoshop of life, some of us need sharpening, some of us need resizing, and some of us need a whole lot of negative warp.
PhrenologyEver notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?
PicturesThey say a picture is worth a thousand words. But a picture of them saying this requires a caption.
PillsIs there a pill for wishing there was?
Placo DiemPlaco diem appease the day.
Plausible DenialAt CIA, 'plausible denial' doesn't mean it's theoretically possible we didn't do it, plausible denial means it's theoretically possible we're denying it.
Plausible DenialThere's plausible denial, but there's no such thing as plausible confirmation.
PleasantnessCan't we f*ck about something more pleasant?
Please Remain CalmPlease 'remain' calm?!
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
PlutoWhen I was a boy there were nine planets. Now there are eight planets. But there were ALMOST sixty-five planets. Basically, my generation gambled a planet and lost. But you can't say we didn't go for it, quantity-of-planets-wise.
PodiatryThey say the best classroom is at the feet of an elderly person. Certainly one can learn a lot about podiatry down there.
PoetryWhy is the poem called 'The Road Not Taken,' when it's about the road that WAS taken?
PolicymakersToward an upper limit of five, for each word in the Executive Summary of a National Intelligence Estimate he or she actually reads, a policymaker's influence in the making of policy decreases by twenty percent.
Political AgendaThe statement 'He does nothing for political reasons' implies no political agenda, or a very wise one.
Political EconomicsActually, if we refrained from fixing things that weren't broken, the global economy would likely collapse overnight.
Political EconomyLet's be honest: only God can create jobs.
- (Notorious CIA research manager)
Politics*All* bedfellows are strange.
- (America's funniest covert intelligence officer)
PoliticsSecret 4,691,112. All bedfellows are strange.
- (AKA The Covert Comic, CIA Poet and Covert Activist)
PoliticsWhen transforming the political landscape, remember that manure makes the best fertilizer.
PoliticsThe people are never wrong. Luckily, they're also never the people.
PoliticsPolitics is the science of who gets what, when, and in which.
PoliticsWhat's real in politics is what voters decide is real. What's a real voter is decided by what's real in politics.
PolygraphNever lie on a polygraph. The needles get all bent, and then they ask you even more questions.
PolygraphI can pass any polygraph, as long as it's cut up into small enough bites.
PornographyIf it wasn't for sex, I wouldn't get any pornography at all.
PornographyOne person's pornography is another person's missing pornography.
PossessionsMy possessions no longer possess me. They sold me to a new owner last week.
PossibilitiesThe possibilities are limitless you can't tell where they begin.
PossibilityThe possible is achieved in increments of the impossible.
Post-Traumatic Stress DisorderPost-traumatic stress disorder is going to be a nice change of pace.
- (noted CIA officer and motivational author)
Post-Traumatic Stress DisorderRemember: you can't get post-traumatic stress disorder as long as you're still being traumatized.
PosterityAfter I'm gone, I'd rather have people ask why there's a disease named after me, than why there isn't.
- (noted CIA intelligence officer)
PosterityThe greatest gift you can give to posterity is a good kick in the posterior.
PotentialI've finally started realizing my potential ... is trying to kill me.
PowerJeez, no wonder it's so hard to fight the power: *I'm* the power!
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic' (America's funniest covert intelligence officer))
PowerFte the power!
PowerWhen power is exercised under the cloak of national security, prevent telltale sweat stains by washing national security on delicate cycle and laying it flat to dry.
PowerNever let power go to your head. There are much better parts of your body for power to go to.
PowerPower corrupts, but mediocre power corrupts mediocrely.
PowerWith great power numbs great responsibility.
Practical Jokes'Practical joke' is a redundancy.
Premature Ejaculation*All* ejaculations are premature.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
Prepare for the WorstTo be prepared for the worst *is* the worst.
Preserving for PosterityWhen preserving for posterity, use 3/4 cups of sugar for each cup of item preserved, seal tightly, and store in a dry, dark place.
President's Daily BriefThe President's Daily Brief was originally called the President's Intelligence Check List. But when people started saying "Is that a PICL in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" they changed the name.
Presidents Daily BriefNever write an item for the Presidents Daily Brief immediately after watching the X-Files.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
President's Daily BriefNever write an item for the President's Daily Brief immediately after watching the X-Files.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
PrideThe problem with swallowing your pride is that you are what you eat.
PrideBefore swallowing your pride, chew it at least 32 times.
PrimeYou don't pass your prime, you dig out from under it.
PrinciplesI standby my principles.
PrinciplesStand not by your principles so constantly that you start to look like you're loitering.
Prisoners of ConscienceIf you're a prisoner of conscience, try creating a distraction, then make a run for it while your conscience is looking the other way.
ProblemsTell me all your problems (I want to know if the voodoo is working).
ProblemsNever try to run away from a problem. If confronted by a problem, wave your arms and yell loudly. If that doesn't work, immediately go limp and 'play dead.'
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic' (
ProblemsIt's said that a problem well stated is a problem half solved. But every solution to a problem creates a new problem. Therefore, summing the original half-problem and the new half-problem, a problem well stated is still mathematically equivalent to one whole problem.
ProblemsOnce I put my problems into perspective, how long should I leave them in?
ProblemsIf a problem well stated is a problem half-solved, state it well again!
Product DisclaimersIf for any reason this product is unsatisfied with you, it may return you for a full refund.
ProgrammingBy 'executable,' I don't mean the program, I mean the programmer.
ProlificacyI've always been a prolific writer, though I do support a woman's right to choose.
PrometheusThe real lesson from the story of Prometheus stealing fire from Zeus is that even the gods need to practice security awareness.
PromisesI promise I'll always be true ... or at the very least, based on a true story.
ProphetsSecret 38911250. The well-adjusted make poor prophets. The semi-dysfunctional, middle class ones.
ProverbsIf wishes were horses, that would explain the smell.
ProverbsIf the shoe fits, tell them you're from the future and you'll need their clothes too.
PsychicsAny time a psychic claims they're standing at a crime scene, by definition they're telling the truth.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
PsychologyI'm not saying passive-aggressive behavior is acceptable. In fact, until I get a better cubicle, I'm not saying or doing anything.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
PsychologyIf anybody ever called me 'insecure,' I would die.
Public InterestPublic interest is defined by private apathy.
Public SpeakingI hate speaking in public, unless I'm the one talking.
PublishingA literary agent told me my manuscript had bestseller written all over it. I said I had no idea who could have done that.
PunctualityThe opposite of too late is not late enough.
PuppetsThe puppeteer pulls the puppet's strings. The puppet pulls the audience's strings. The audience pulls the puppeteer's strings.
Quality of LifeA key quality of life indicator is how frequently one has to listen to people who talk about quality of life.
Quantum EntanglementIt isn't the destination *or* the journey it's this damn quantum entanglement again.
QuestionsPerhaps we need fewer answering machines, and more questioning machines.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
QuestionsIf you couldn't ask God one question, what would it be?
Quo Vadis?If we don't know where we're going, how do we know we're not already there?
- (America's funniest covert intelligence officer!)
QuotationsMy favorite Barry Goldwater quote isn't "Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice." It's the statement he made immediately following that: "... Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."
- (CIA research manager, poet and covert activist)
QuotationsGood Quotation Should Be Like Headline, Says Author Rand
- (CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
QuotationsWhen quoting a statement, it's customary to end the quotation with a small dash. When quoting a true statement, an all-out sprint.
QuotesI read a quote attributed to the Beatles. What did they do, speak it in unison?
Quotes About AmericaA quote about Burundi is a quote about Burundi. But a quote about America is a quote about the quotee.
RaceI’ve always admired Rosa Parks for refusing to give up her seat on the bus to a white man. First, because she didn’t back down in the face of racial discrimination. And also because I’ve frankly got a problem with white guys who ride the bus.
RacismActually, I might be OK with racial profiling, if they would just get my race right.
Radio CommercialsWhen a radio commercial plays and you're a member of the target audience, how many times do they repeat the phone number?
RainThe wisdom of coming in out of the rain is entirely a function of what's waiting for you inside.
RainbowsIf you piss high enough, you'll make a rainbow.
- (CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
Rape, Loot and PillageIf you loot first, you don't need to rape or pillage.
RaptureIf you're jumping on a trampoline when the Rapture comes and you leave your body in mid-jump, how many more times will your lifeless corpse bounce up and down, and will God be angry if you and your friends bet on this while you're floating up to heaven?
- (from 'The Naked Intelligence Officer')
ReactionReaction n. The average of an overreaction and an underreaction.
ReadingSecret 8.645. If you believe everything you read, better read everything.
Real CharityActually, real charity *should* care if it's tax deductible or not if it is, it can donate the tax refund to charity.
RealityReality is that which, as soon as you start believing in it, goes away.
RealityFailure to understand reality is not reality's fault? How do you figure?
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
RealitySecret 5562.1. *All* situations are hypothetical.
- (notorious CIA researcher)
RealityReality is a covert action.
- (CIA poet and covert activist)
RealityWhatever reality does to me, it's really doing to itself.
- (legendary CIA officer)
RealityReality gets what it deserves.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
RealityWe're all divorced from reality the only question is whether you're paying alimony or receiving it.
ReasonReason, too, can dance. It just always dances the robot.
RecruitingSecret 2491711. Recruit the body, and the head will spy.
Recruiting Intel AssetsIf you've recruited one intelligence asset, they've recruited you all.
Recruiting Intelligence AssetsSecret 1.3.45. If you can't recruit the asset you love, love the asset you recruit.
RedactedThe real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it.
RedactionRedact th*s.
Redress of GrievancesI support a redress of grievances, especially if it's strapless and tight-fitting.
RefrigerationRemember: if you don't open, you never have to refrigerate.
Refutation of Baldy's LawRefutation of Baldy's Law Baldy's Law: Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 1. Suppose some of it + the rest of it = all of it. 2. By King's Rule, there's always more of it. 3. Accordingly: all of it some of it the rest of it > 0, that is: All of it (some of it + the rest of it) > 0. 4. Adding some of it + the rest of it to both sides of the relation, we have: All of it (some of it + the rest of it) + (some of it + the rest of it) > some of it + the rest of it. 5. Or equivalently: some of it + the rest of it < all of it. 6. Therefore, some of it + the rest of it ≠ all of it. Thus, for all values of it, it is never the case that some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
RegiftingRegifting is its own rereward.
RegiftingIf we never quite forgive a giver, how much less do we reforgive a regifter.
RegretsLet's not do something we'll regret later let's do it now!
RejectionI've never had a problem with rejection. I've always been able to reject stuff any time I want.
RelationshipsFriends and lovers may come and go. As long as they go.
RelationshipsTechnically, your wife is your ex-girlfriend. When you look at it this way, a lot of things start to make sense.
- (from 'My War On Terror!' (
RelationshipsThose blow-up female dolls they sell in porn shops: I assume their mouths are open like that to simulate the woman constantly talking.
RelationshipsI don't want someone I can believe in - I want someone who's unbelievable.
- (noted CIA research manager)
RelationshipsThere are relationships, and then there are relationaircraftcarriers.
RelationshipsYou make me want to be a better-armed person.
RelativityIf you're traveling at the speed of light and you need to take a leak, whatever you do, don't aim forward.
ReligionThe Super Bowl has become so commercialized, its religious meaning is in danger of being lost completely.
- (also known as 'The Covert Comic.')
ReligionMy true church is my mind. And today ain't Sunday.
- (from 'My War On Terror!' (
ReligionThe Super Bowl has become so commercialized, its religious meaning is in danger of being lost completely.
ReligionThere is no Comedian but Allah, and you are His straight man.
ReligionThose who oppose us are enemies of God. Those who support us are servants of God. So as long as God likes servants more than enemies, we're in good shape.
ReligionIt bothers me when I hear people make negative comments about my religion. I worked hard to found that religion.
ReligionReligion divides people, but not into nearly enough pieces.
ReligionAll religions agree that the purpose of life is to serve God. Where they differ is in how God should be cooked.
ReligionThey say God always bats last. If I never had to play a road game, I bet I'd have a pretty good record too.
ReligionAgnostics question the existence of God. Believers waterboard it.
Remote SensingAll sensing is remote.
RepublicansSome things you just know are never going to happen. For example: a mime voting Republican. Oh sure, he might mime voting Republican, but he's never actually going to vote Republican.
ResistanceShe offered fierce resistance, but I politely declined. Excerpt from ops report
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
ResponsibilityYou reap what you so what.
Restraining OrdersRemember: if they have a restraining order against you, you have a restraining order against them.
Reverence for LifeRemember, reverence for life also includes reverence for firm, young naked life.
RevolutionMao Zedong said: "A revolution is not a dinner party." Mao was right of course a revolution is much more like dinner theater.
RevolutionCome the revolution, it'll probably be a good idea to stop saying 'Come the revolution.'
- (noted CIA officer)
RevolutionsAfter devouring their own children, revolutions with good oral hygiene always remember to floss.
RhetoricI have no talk what you're ideaing about.
Rhythm and BluesAsk not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your R&B.
Right to PrivacyAs a Government official, in order to protect your privacy, I'll need to know certain details about it.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
RightsAs long as you're standing up for your rights, why not do jumping jacks?
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic')
RightsWhen exercising your rights, there's nothing more beneficial than the burpee.
RiotsIf there's rioting in the streets, use the sidewalk.
Risk AversionRisk averse? Put enough pints in me, and I'll risk the whole damn song!
- (noted CIA research manager, poet and covert activist)
RobotsEither every robot can dance the robot, or no robot can.
RobotsThe more advanced the robot, the less likely that it will want your job.
Rock, Paper, ScissorsProposal for resolving the 'paper defeats rock' controversy: eliminate paper, rock and scissors altogether, and replace them with the following more realistic hierarchy: intercontinental ballistic missile pellet gun mouse chewing on power cord.
- (~1958)
Rock-Paper-ScissorsRock, paper, scissors, and pretty much anything else for that matter, beats playing rockpaperscissors.
RomanceIf A loves B, and B loves C, how can it be a love *triangle* unless C also loves A?
Room for ImprovementRoom for improvement? I've got a whole mansion.
RumorsRumor shared, rumor squared.
Running AgentsSecret 210222. Some ops officers run agents but most prefer trotting them.
Safe HouseA safe house is not a safe home.
Safety In NumbersThere's safety in numbers, if the number is a multiple of √-1.
Safety in NumbersI'm living proof there's safety in numbers. I once evaded enemy agents during Carnival in Rio by hiding inside a large papier-mch two.
SafewordsSafeword is a contradiction in terms.
SakeSake for sake's sake!
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
SambaSome folks samba to a different set of bagpipes.
Sanity CheckWe need a sanity check. Yep, still insane.
SarcasmIf the ointment's any good, what does it matter if there's a fly in it?
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
SatanAny poor dope can be possessed by Satan. But to possess Satan: *that* makes God sit up and take notice!
SatelliteWhen Edward R. Murrow said "A satellite has no conscience," he was referring to early 1960's technology.
SatireEternal satire is the price of freedom.
Saying Something NiceI assume the phrase 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything' is a nice thing to say.
ScalingScaling doesn't scale.
ScandalYou can only scandalize people on their own terms.
ScandalPublicly acknowledged intelligence scandals are the conspicuously displayed jewelry of affluent states.
ScarsThe scar confirms the beauty, the beauty the scar.
ScarsSome are scarred long before they're wounded.
ScarsScared of scarring scarred of scaring.
ScienceIf you want to write good jokes, change the order of words in scientific formulas. And if you want to write good scientific formulas, change the order of words in jokes.
ScienceExtraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. Extraordinary evidence requires extraordinary funding. Extraordinary funding requires extraordinary claims.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
ScienceI'm not saying this is a legitimate reason to major in astrophysics, but the fact is, once you attain light speed it's basically goodbye college loan officers forever.
ScienceScience is not an exact science.
ScienceWhen some women donate their bodies to science, they're really turning them back in.
ScoundrelsSince when do scoundrels need refuge?
Second ChancesAmerica believes in second chances. We're just not sure how we feel about first ones.
SecrecyIf secrecy is the beginning of tyranny, declassification is its apotheosis.
SecrecyThere's less done in secret that should be made public than vice versa.
Secret IdentityYou are what you can neither confirm nor deny.
SecretsEverything is Top Secret, but some things are more Top Secret than others.
SecretsBig secrets are little compared to little secrets.
SecretsSome things are best kept secret. For all other cases, default to Top Secret Codeword.
SecretsSecrets have no morals, but not vice versa.
SecretsThere are no secrets. (TS/ORCON/NOFORN/NOCONTRACTOR/MULGX.1)
SecretsThere are some secrets you can't be cleared for unless you already know.
Secrets and SpyingIf a secret message doesn't self-destruct before you read it, it probably isn't worth your time.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
Security ClearancesThe real question isn't whether you're cleared for top secret, it's whether you're cleared for unclassified.
Security ClearancesThe cleared renew their clearances every five years or so. The uncleared renew their clearances every day.
Security Through ObscuritySecret 21817001. Security through obscurity is proof of immaturity.
Security Violation'Security violation' is a redundancy.
Seize the DaySeize the day / Squeeze the day / Tease the day / Please the day / Contract a disease from the day
SelfI refuse to let refusing to let something define me as a person define me as a person.
Self-EmpowermentI want to empower myself, but I've already been empowered by the state.
Self-helpAcknowledging your personal issues is the first step toward moving to Thailand.
Self-HelpA sinkhole is a pothole that read a self-help book.
Senate Select Committee on IntelligenceIt was the usual dog and pony show: the ponies riding the dogs. after briefing the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence
Senior SexualitySenior sexuality the love that keeps forgetting its name.
Sensitive IntelligenceBeing sensitive and intelligent will prevent you from obtaining sensitive intelligence.
September 11thAsk not what 9/11 can do for you. Ask what you can do for 9/11.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
SerpentsSecret If you can't cut off the serpent's head, cut off a very long section of its tail.
Set TheoryX outlawed ⇒ only outlaws will X, where X ∈ {G : people who care about G aren't all that interested in set theory anyhow}.
SexSecret #112,194.2. Sex is like nothing else you can experience. Nothing else you can experience is like stale donuts. Therefore, sex is like stale donuts.
SexA poor man is the poor man's Viagra.
- (notorious CIA officer)
SexListening to people talk about things that are 'better than sex' is worse than sex.
- (noted CIA research manager)
SexDon't think of it as losing your virginity, think of it as gaining a free ride home on the back of a motorcycle.
SexAll ejaculations are premature.
SexMy wife has a sex drive. The problem is, she also has a sex neutral, a sex park, and a sex reverse.
SexSex in the future will be pretty much like it is today that is to say, it'll be in the future.
SexMy life doesn't revolve around sex. Sex's immense gravitational field long ago sucked my life into its event horizon and shredded it into elementary particles.
SexYou don't "have" sex, sex "doesn't have" you.
SexSex n. Blend of 'Soon to be ex.'
Sex TherapistFor two years I was seeing a sex therapist. I'm now seeing a sex therapist.
SexologyIs a clit a small penis, or is a penis a small clit?
SexpionageIn real life, espionage and sex have so little to do with one another that for all practical purposes they could be married.
Sexual HarassmentIt's time we put an end to sexual harassment. To harass sex is just plain wrong.
Sexual Preference'Sexual preference?' What have you got?
SexualityIf you include hermaphrodites, bisexuals may constitute as much as 10% of the general population. But if you don't include hermaphrodites, the party won't be nearly as much fun.
SexualityFor a while I thought I was bisexual, but only because I tend to get 'bi-' and 'semi-' mixed up.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
SexualityHomosexuals come out of the closet. Heterosexuals fall off the roof.
SFWWhether it's SFW depends on your W.
SFWThe question isn't whether it's SFW, the question is whether W is SF it.
Sh*t HappensSh*t doesn't happen, happening sh*ts.
Sh*t Hits the FanIf enough sh*t hits the fan blades, they'll stop rotating.
- (noted CIA research manager)
ShameHave you no shame? Because if you need some, I've got a bunch I'm not using.
She Was the Kind of Girl ...She was the kind of girl Raymond Chandler would write a long, confusing sentence in one of his books about saying what kind of girl she was.
- (from 'The Naked Intelligence Officer')
Short BusThe cranial cavity is the shortest bus of all.
SilenceIf silence is the mother of truth, whoever said this owes child support.
SilenceYou have the right to become silent.
Similarities*All* similarities are eerie.
SimplifyingIf simplifying life was so important to Thoreau, why didn't he just apply the Laplace transform for t ≥ 0?
- (CIA research manager, poet and covert activist)
SinIt isn't the sins in your life that matter, it's the life in your sins.
SitcomsSitcoms have a laugh track because they must not have a cry track.
Sleeper AgentsSecret 704032. A major problem with sleeper agents is that they tend to suffer from sleep apnea.
Sleeper AgentsLet sleeper agents lie.
Sleeper AgentsA surprisingly large percentage of sleeper agents are clinically comatose.
SlothI vow never to embrace slothfulness. That would require extending my arms.
SlugfestA slugfest is a fight? I thought it was something *way* more interesting.
Smart WeaponsAny weapon can be a smart weapon if it applies itself.
- (from 'Real Men Don't Get Published')
Smart WeaponsReal smart weapons play dumb.
Smashing IdolsWhatever you smash, call an idol.
SmelepathyIf fear is in the mind, and if dogs can smell fear, that makes dogs smelepathic!
SnipersBack azimuth detection is a serviceable technique for determining the position of a sniper, provided he isn't still there.
Soar HigherThere is one who soars even higher than the eagle. And that's a tick on the eagle's head.
Sobering NewsSobering news? Come back in three hours, and I'll start drinking now.
SobrietyWhenever I read that quote by Hemingway, "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk," I have a drink!
Social MediaSocial media doesn't cause suicide, so much as articulate it.
SocialismEconomically speaking, socialism has a mixed record. On one hand, Cubans can't get a decent cigar. On the other hand, people in North Korea can't get kimchi.
SocialismSocialism doesn't work. It has a rich father.
SocietyThe good news: there are no longer more of them than there are of us. The bad news: there are now more of us than there are of us.
SolipsismAm I the only person who thinks the theory of solipsism is totally stupid? ... Hello?
SouthpawTo those who say it's tough fighting a southpaw, I think I've identified the source of your problem: his paw is actually to your east.
SpaceIn space, no one can tell you're juggling.
Spaceship EarthThere are no passengers on spaceship earth we're all sky marshals.
- (Noted CIA research manager, poet and covert activist)
SpaikuTo leave one's footprints / On the sands of time: is this / Not lousy tradecraft?
SpamSpam or not, anybody who can figure out how to e-mail me from the future *deserves* my money.
- (CIA poet and covert activist)
Speak Truth to PowerIt was Patrick Murphy Malin, not the Quakers, who coined the phrase "Speak truth to power;" but everyone's scared to tell the Quakers this.
Speaking Truth to PowerIs it appropriate to speak truth to power at a power lunch?
Speed ReadingIf it's a *really* good speed reading course, you get the bill before you've even heard of it.
SpiesSecret #269.1711. Inferior spies discuss ideas, average spies discuss events, great spies discuss people.
- (('The Covert Comic' @
SpinIt's not the spinning around that makes you dizzy, it's the stopping.
SpiritualityThere are two kinds of light: the glow that illuminates, and the glow that illuminates, but not very well.
Spoiler AlertsA spoiler alert is never more justified than when there's nothing to spoil.
SportsI decided to take up boxing to see what I was made of. It turns out I’m made of blood.
SpottingIn CIA operations, 'spotting' refers primarily to the identification of recruitment targets, though irregular bleeding may also be involved.
SpousesA spouse is like the fourth dimension: one may not be able to sense it directly, but by assuming its existence a lot of otherwise puzzling phenomena can be explained.
Spring CleaningWhat this house needs is a good spring cleaning. So if we ever have a good spring, let's definitely clean this house.
SpyWhich came first, the secret or the spy?
Spy LifeDangle perilously from the escarpment, or not at all.
Spy MoviesSpy movies are unrealistic because they're not as unrealistic as spying in real life.
SpyingActually, why don't you keep the cloak, and I'll hold on to the dagger.
SpyingIf spy novels were realistic, the spies in them would spend their free time writing totally unrealistic spy novels.
- (CIA officer and non-spy novelist)
SpyingThere's nae business like spae business.
SpyingHe who spies and claims diplomatic immunity / May live to spy again with impunity
StalkingA stalker does to a celebrity what the celebrity's media company did to the stalker first.
Standing Up for What You BelieveNever be afraid to stand up for what you believe in. If people get angry, you can always pretend you were just standing up to stretch.
- (noted CIA research manager)
StarsStars are angels' poop!
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
State DepartmentTwo years ago I clicked on the State Department careers page. I've been getting ads for depression medications ever since.
StatisticsSecret 1127175.4. Statistically speaking, 'superhuman' is anything above average.
- (America's funniest covert intelligence officer)
StatisticsI refuse to be just another statistic. I'm empowering myself to be an informed, assertive, beautiful statistic!
StatisticsYou could do worse than be a statistic you could be a type I error.
StatisticsThe problem with refusing to be another statistic is that you were 71% likely to do that.
SteamrollerThey say if you're not part of the steamroller, you're part of the road. I say I'd rather be part of the road than the seat on the steamroller.
Still Small VoiceThat still small voice within sure seems to refuse to confirm or deny a lot.
StitchesNote to self: A stitch ahead of time does NOT save even more than nine.
Story with LegsSecret 71910151. A story with legs usually involves legs with a story.
StrangeThere are fewer things too strange to happen than things too strange not to.
Strangers'Perfect stranger' is a redundancy.
StrategyThe great strategists teach that you should always allow your adversary an escape route. So please let me know when mine's available.
Stretch MarksYour biggest stretch marks are on your soul.
- (from 'The Naked Intelligence Officer')
Stretching the TruthDon't think of it as stretching the truth think of it as being truth's yoga partner.
Strip SearchIn the strip search of life, better to be the finger, or even the anus, than the rubber glove.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
Strong Silent TypeShe prefers the strong silent type - you know, Times New Roman or Arial Black.
StupidityThe opposite of stupid isn't brilliant, it's not stupid.
Sturgeon's LawSturgeon's law states that 90% of everything is crap. If that's true, then the word 'crap' is the 10% of Sturgeon's law that isn't.
StyleIf you have time to lean, you have time to preen.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
Substance AbuseI’m struggling with alcoholism and drug abuse - I can't decide which one to make the primary theme of my existence.
- (from ' My War On Terror!')
SuccessThe race is not always to the swiftest, nor the hotdog eating contest to the fattest man.
SuccessThere's a fine line between surrounding yourself with talented people, and employing human shields.
- (from 'The Naked Intelligence Officer')
SuccessSecret 71919021. It's not what you know, or who you know, it's how to look like you don't know anything.
SuccessAt CIA, 90% of success is nobody knowing you showed up.
SuccessPreparation and opportunity are the parents of success but they're not legally married.
SuckersThere's a sucker aborted every 1.8 minutes.
Sucking Chest WoundA sucking chest wound isn't as sexy as you might imagine based on the name. It's even sexier.
Sucking Chest WoundSecret 3963. It's only a *sucking* chest wound if you're not the shooter.
Suffering FoolsI don't suffer fools gladly, I suffer them orgasmically.
Suicide PreventionIf you feel badly enough about dialing a suicide prevention hotline by mistake, it wasn't a mistake.
Summer SongsEvery great summer song was recorded the previous winter.
SuperficialityYes, I'm superficial, but only on the surface.
SupernaturalBelieve in the supernatural? Friend, back in the 1970's when they sold Afro-Sheen, I personally witnessed the supernatural on a daily basis.
Supply and DemandAccording to economists, supply has a foot fetish it always cums on the heels of demand.
Supreme CourtThe Supreme Court officially begins this year's session with a full docket, although that's not what I hear.
Surrounding Oneself with Talented PeopleWhen surrounding yourself with talented people, make sure surrounding people isn't their only talent.
Sustainable SolutionsSustainable solutions come and go, but the temporary fix is forever.
- ('My War On Terror!')
SweepingLet everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be dusty.
Swords to PlowsharesAnd they shall beat their swords into ploughshares, and their ploughshares into plowshares.
Taking Care of OneselfIf I had known I was going to live this long, I wouldn't have taken such good care of myself.
Taking It With YouWhen I was a kid, I once saw an armored car waiting at a stoplight behind a hearse. For years I assumed you could in fact take it with you.
- (legendary CIA officer)
Taking SidesSecret 0.391016. If you must take sides, take as many as possible.
TalentThe upside of having no talent is that pretty much everybody brings out the best in me.
- (Noted CIA research manager, poet and covert activist)
Talk'Talk is cheap' is talk.
TatsThey're called 'tats' and not 'toos' because it's cool to say 'I have a tat too,' but it isn't necessarily cool to say 'I have a too too.'
TattooIf you had a tattoo that said 'Top Secret,' where on your body would it be?
TattooAs if our lives weren't tattoos.
TaxesIt's only fair that you get a tax break for contributing to your 401K. After all, you're donating money to poor people.
- (noted CIA research manager)
TDYSecret 36915052. What goes TDY comes TDY.
TechnologyWhen I first read about voice interactive household appliances, I felt kind of embarrassed, because I thought they already were.
TechnologyEinstein said that our technology has exceeded our humanity. But according to Einstein's theory of relativity, this isn't supposed to happen for another 14.2 years.
TeethWhen baring your teeth, the effect is more impressive if they're actually in your mouth.
Teflon ManCookware sticks to a Teflon man.
Temp FilesAll files are temp files.
Tempest'Tis not the tempest we dread, but the water damage.
Terminate with Extreme PrejudiceActually, I'm OK with less than extreme prejudice, as long as you terminate.
TerrorismEverybody hates suicide bombers until they need one.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
TerrorismWho says you can't negotiate with terrorists? I just traded one for a deputy foreign minister and cash!
TerrorismWe can't let the terrorists win. No matter how softly we toss the ball to them, they miss it every time.
The American RevolutionIf it weren't for the Revolution back in 1776, we Americans would all be speaking English today.
The BrainMany years ago I made a deal with my brain: I don't ask it what it's doing, it doesn't ask me what I'm doing.
- (('The Covert Comic' @
The BrainWhen we reflect on the fact that we only use 10% of our brains, I bet that temporarily pushes us up to at least 10.2%.
The BrainBrain, do your stuff!
- (Noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
The BuckMore than one buck stops here which one are you referring to?
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
The BuckThe buck hops here.
The BuckThe buck becomes a gravitational singularity here.
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic')
The CIA and AlcoholismSome of the most successful intelligence officers are alcoholics and the most successful alcoholics are all intelligence officers.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
The ForceOn the other hand, it's probably a good idea not to *overestimate* the power of the Force either.
The ForceBeware the polka-dot side of the Force.
- (Noted CIA research manager)
The FutureI get the words 'future' and 'furniture' confused. Which is the one we buy on credit and spill stuff all over?
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
The Glass CeilingThe surest way to get women to stop talking about the glass ceiling is to put a mirror under it.
- (noted CIA officer and motivational author )
The Glass CeilingThe good news: I finally broke through the Glass Ceiling! The bad news: several women and minorities standing below me were seriously injured.
The Hand That Feeds YouI'm not questioning that I shouldn't bite the hand that feeds me I'm questioning whether that's actually a hand.
The Light and Near Death ExperiencesIf it's so damned all-loving, why doesn't the Light get off its lazy ass and come down the tunnel to see *us*?!
- (noted CIA research manager)
The Medium Isn't The MessageEven if the medium isn't the message, you still need that medium to transmit the message to everybody who uses that medium that it isn't.
The Naked IntelligenceWhatever it is you take them off for, putting your clothes back on is always at least as embarrassing.
The Next Big ThingIs it just me, or is each 'next big thing' getting less and less big and nexty, and a lot more thingy?
- (noted CIA research manager)
The Spook's ToastThe Spook's Toast: May your intelligence estimates always surpass the estimates of your intelligence.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
TheatreIf she spells it 'theatre,' she's theatre than you.
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic')
Them and UsThe good news: there are no longer more of them than us. The bad news: there are now more of us than us.
Theory and PracticeSecret 2.23.94. In theory, there's no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there's even less.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
Theory of Fee WillThe theory of fee will holds that each person chooses his or her own destiny on a pay-as-you-go basis.
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic')
TherapyLife is tough, but my therapist is tougher.
TherapyYour mother isn't to blame for you being in therapy any more than therapy is to blame for you being in your mother.
- (CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
There Are More Of Them Than UsThere may be more of them than us, but our total weight is the same.
There But For FortuneIs the saying "There but for fortune go you and I," or "There but for fortune go you *or* I?" Because, assuming "there" to be a location that's undesirable, it can be shown mathematically that the first scenario is always preferable to the second.
ThesaurusA thesaurus is a dictionary on drugs.
Thick Line between Love and LoveThere's a big thick line between love and love.
- (CIA research manager, poet and covert activist)
Thin Line Between Love and HateHow thin the line between love and hate is depends on one's distance from it as a general rule, the closer one gets, the thinner it looks.
ThinkI'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.
Think AgainThe problem with the phrase 'Think again' is that it implies someone was thinking in the first place.
Think Outside the TesseractIn the fourth dimension, to 'think outside the tesseract' is physically impossible.
ThinkingIf you've had one thought, you've had 'em all.
Throwaway AgentsSecret 800.F. Always make sure your throwaway agents are biodegradable.
TimeTime travel got us out of this mess, time travel can damn well get us back in!
TimeWhat time isn't it?
- (from 'The Naked Intelligence Officer')
TimeWhat time isn't it?
TimeTime is a brush pass between a moment and eternity. And the secret exchanged in that covert handoff is us.
Time ManagementAny time management seminar that lasts longer than 15 minutes isn't worthy of the name.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
Time ManagementNever put off until tomorrow what you can schedule a series of monthly meetings to evolve a framework for a plan to address next year today.
Time TravelStephen Hawking threw a party for time travelers, but except for the cleaning crew, no one from the future showed up.
TimesIt was the best of times, it was the worst of times; and perhaps not surprisingly, it was also the median of times.
TimingWhatever isn't too late or too early is too on time.
Tin FoilThe downside of wearing a tin foil hat: your mind can't control the satellite either.
Toast and LifeThe fact that toast always lands buttered side down would be a blessing if you kept your floor covered in marmalade.
- (CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
ToesIn order to get rid of your big toe, how many toes would you have to cut off?
- (CIA research officer)
Toilet SeatHow about a compromise: everybody leave the toilet seat at 45 degrees.
- (noted CIA officer)
ToleranceTolerance and hate aren't incompatible, they're mutually indispensable.
TomorrowDon't tell people "Tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today" today. Prepare today and then tell them tomorrow.
TonicAn unparalleled restorative is the best tonic.
Too Soon JokeCIA analysis: the too soon joke that predates the event.
Too Soon JokesThe joke isn't too soon, the tragedy is too late.
ToolsIf the only tool you have is nail polish, every problem looks like a nail.
ToolsI don't mind being a tool of my tools, as long as I'm kept well oiled.
ToplessWhether or not you're topless depends on what you consider your top.
TourismSocialism, fascism, tourism all the monolithic ideologies are basically the same.
TradecraftSecret 28912032. Properly executed, the brush pass is a highly effective means of covert communication; improperly executed, it's even better.
TradecraftSecret 12916062. Dress to impress, assess, access, possess, and egress.
TradecraftAnything worth doing is worth neither confirming nor denying having done.
TragedyShow me a superhero, and I'll write you a supertragedy.
TragicomedyThe world is a tragicomedy to those who feel they think.
Train the TrainersWho will train the trainers who provide train the trainer training?
- (legendary CIA officer)
TransparencyTransparency implies cover.
TransparencySecret 89.487. Transparent is the new black.
TravelThe more beautiful the location, the uglier one has to be in order to live there year-round.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
Treated Like a NumberActually, I don't mind being treated like a number, as long as it's a big, important number.
TrendsAll trends are alarming.
Trick Question'Is this a trick question?' is a trick question.
Trigressing But I trigress.
TrophiesThe dust gathers the trophy.
TroubleshootingTroubleshoot v. (Compound of 'troubles' + 'hoot') To laugh loudly and derisively when asked for help in resolving a problem.
TrustGut your trust.
TrustTrust is the epoxy of relationships sniff it at your own risk.
TruthThe opposite of a true statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a really dumb idea may well be another really dumb idea.
TruthThey say truth is stranger than fiction. If that's true, it's stranger than it would be if it wasn't.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
TruthThey say truth is stranger than fiction. If that's true, it's stranger than it would be if it wasn't.
TruthThe truth always comes out in the end truth's a bit of a bugger that way.
- (CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
TruthYou shall know the truth, but the truth shall pretend not to recognize you at diplomatic functions.
TruthAnd you shall be known by the truth, after which the truth shall set you free.
TruthYou can't handle the truth that's MY asset.
TruthI believe truth will have the last word (if a grunt counts as a word).
TruthThe truth hurts? Give the truth a pain reliever!
TruthThe truth is just a lie with a good backstop.
Truth and LiesIf a half-truth is a whole lie, a whole truth is two whole lies.
Truth and SacrednessThat nothing is more sacred than truth is good news for truth, but bad news for sacredness.
Truth LostThe truth's not lost on me, it's just on a part of me where you probably don't want to look.
TruthersTruthers are stranger than fictioners.
TurthIn John 8:32 it says: 'And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.' Though some computer programs translate the original Greek text as: 'The truth will have sex with you, then the truth will leave you for another sex partner.'
- ((
TwistersI know how twisters feel I've touched down in trailer parks and wished I could do the same thing.
TwitterI was following total strangers long before Twitter made it du jour.
TwitterThe genius of Twitter is that there's no way to fit an explanation of why Twitter is such a dumb idea into a tweet.
Two SidesToilet paper, and every story, has two sides.
UkraineThe rain in Ukraine falls mainly on the insane.
UndercontrolledDon't worry, the situation is undercontrolled.
Underground WisdomKeep your ear to the ground, and the rest of you underneath it.
UnderstandingWhy must we call that which we do not understand a 'thing?' Probably because it's easier than calling it 'that which we do not understand.'
Underwear BombNo doubt the underwear bomb is a metaphor for something; but what? My vote: underwear.
UnthinkableSecret 737160022162. It's unthinkable only to the extent it's doable.
Upholding StandardsWhen upholding the highest standards, be sure to use an extra sharp stake.
US State DepartmentThe Harry S Truman Building you'd think a beehive with that many queens in it would produce a lot more honey.
USAWe Americans like to say we can't be the world's policeman. But at 2 o'clock in the morning, who's sitting in the world's donut shop wearing Kevlar and a nine-millimeter, eating Bavarian Crèmes?
- (
USAThe ingenious network of tunnels you build to fight the US military will have to be widened to accommodate American tourists after the war.
VealPeople will forget what you said, but they'll never forget how you made them veal. Cooking with Maya Angelou
VeganismWhat happens in vegans doesn't stay in vegans.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
Victors and SpoilsBy the time the victor gets them, the spoils are usually spoiled.
Views and Opinions ExpressedViews and opinions expressed are strictly impersonal.
Vince Lombardi, CIA AgentMotivational Quote of the Day: It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up. Vince Lombardi ... Motivational Quote of the Night: It's not whether you get down, it's whether you get knocked up. The Covert Comic
ViolenceWhere I come from, the term 'honor killing' is redundant.
ViolenceViolence is totally acceptable, as long as it doesn't solve anything.
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic')
Vital Statistics*All* statistics are vital.
VocabularyThe word "vocabulary" isn't in my lexicon.
WaitingDon't wait until it's too late. Wait longer.
Walk-insThe world is your walk-in.
Walk-InsSecret 0858.90. If your walk-in is balkin' at talkin', get stalkin'.
WantingIf each of us learned to want less, we would all have so much more which would be sad because we wouldn't want it.
WarWar is not the answer. War is the punch line.
- (America's funniest covert intelligence officer)
WarSecret 31.803. To the spoils belong the victors.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
WarSecret 521.863. The term 'friendly fire' is redundant.
- ('America's Funniest Covert Intelligence Officer')
WarEvery soldier is a Tomb of the Unknown.
WarIn America, the first casualty of war isn't truth, it's vacation time for INS employees.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
WarAmerica has never lost a war. We just misplaced a couple temporarily.
WarWar is glorious, until you see the man next to you get killed. Then war is only glorious if he was an asshole.
War and PoliticsWar is politics by other meanies.
War on DrugsWin the war, on drugs!
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
Wash Between Your EarsMy mother taught me: 'Always remember to wash between your ears.'
Washington DCIf success is a state of mind, that explains why Washington is a federal district.
Waste'Twas Thomas Edison did declare / That waste is worse than loss / Yet never once saw fit to pare / His first name to Toms
Wastefulness'Twas Thomas Edison did declare / That waste is worse than loss / Yet never once saw fit to pare / His first name to Toms
Watch Your BackSecret 30021030. When you're watching your back, your back is your front.
WealthThere's untold wealth in Africa, and untold Africa in wealth.
WeaponsWeapons with the most ridiculous sounding names. 1. Nunchuck 2. Halberd 3. Hunga Munga 4. Truth
WearTo not wear anything, and to wear nothing, are not the same.
- (from 'The Covert Comic')
Weasel WordsSecret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn't easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.
Well TravelledI'm well-travelled, but badly-arrived.
What Goes AroundLooks like that saying 'What goes around comes around' is coming around again.
What Goes Without SayingSecret 9861.4. Whatever goes without saying is certain to be mimed.
- (Noted CIA officer and poet (I may have said too much already ...))
What's in It for Me?... OK, let me ask the question a different way: What *isn't* in it for me?
When All Else Seems LostWhen all else seems lost, seem like all else.
When in RomeWhen in Rome, do as the Romans do: pretend not to be a tourist.
When the Jell-O Hits the FanOf course, when the Jell-O hits the fan, everybody wants to take credit for it.
Who You KnowIt's not who you know, it's which of them you've officially never met.
Whole Kit and CaboodleCould I have the whole kit, but none of the caboodle?
Whom The Gods Would Destroy'Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad?' Why would nice people like gods want to destroy anybody?
- ('The Covert Comic')
wikiHowwikiHow? How wiki.
WikipediaIs it that the Wikipedia logo looks like the Death Star, or that the Death Star looks like the Wikipedia logo?
WindToss bricks in the air to test the wind.
WisdomBefore you criticize a horse, trot a mile wearing his horseshoes. ... Not so easy, is it?
WisdomWhen they say 'It's better to die on your feet than live on your knees,’ do they mean it’s EVEN better?
WisdomThe good news: I kept my head when all about me were losing theirs. The bad news: I can't find my body.
WisdomSomeday we'll look back on all this and experience post-traumatic stress disorder.
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic' (
WisdomAm I capable of changing my way of thinking? … Hey, is Pluto a planet?
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic' (
WisdomDon't say 'Simplify!' Say 'Simp!'
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
WisdomI've seen a thousand TV shows that teach you fishing, but I've never seen a show where someone just gave a guy a fish.
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic,' notorious CIA research manager and aphorist)
WisdomIs there a fat line between *anything*?
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
WisdomIt's always over before it's over.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
WisdomIt's no use being a dead horse.
WisdomHow often are we reminded that what matters in life can't be quantified (I'm referring to the annual per capita frequency, to two decimals).
WisdomThere's wisdom of the head / And wisdom of the heart / But pray grant me wisdom / Of that still more southern part
WisdomSecret 32162. The crunchy taco shall become soft, the soft taco, crunchy.
Wish You Were HereWhen you send someone a postcard and write "Wish you were here" on the back, where exactly are you saying you wish they were?
WishesSecret 20004. Wishes are and beggars do.
WitWhen Thomas Jefferson said "We must be contented to amuse, when we cannot inform," he was wearing platform shoes and a wig.
- (noted CIA officer)
WizdomOn the other hand, getting *found* in the shuffle isn't necessarily all that hot either.
WizdomTo paraphrase Kierkegaard: Life, and recordings of my mother-in-law talking, can only be understood backwards.
WizdomThe translation gets lost in the joke.
Woman'Woman' is the plural of 'women.'
WomenBefore you criticize a woman, walk a mile in her heels. ... Feels pretty good, doesn't it?
WomenAnother way a woman is like a teabag: if you buy one at an airport, they cost at least three times more.
WomenWomen to me are an open book. Now if I could just figure out what all those words on the pages mean.
Women and GunsSecret 62910681. No woman with a gun is ugly.
Women and MarriageWe say nature abhors a vacuum, then wonder at some of the guys a woman is willing to marry.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
Women CIA OfficersSecret Thoughts of Women Ops Officers #26.62. "I should have worn something under this government."
WorkThere's no substitute for hard work. But there's plenty of work for a hard substitute.
WorkHard work may get you to the top, but universal apathy is what keeps you there.
WorkIt takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong. The good news: you're being paid by the hour.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
WorkRubbertask, tr. v. To assign a task to a subordinate such that the assigner ultimately agrees to perform most or all of the task in question, and possibly additional tasks as well. (See also rubbertasker, rubbertaskee.)
- (CIA poet and covert activist)
WorldI'd love to change the world, but I can't find a big enough diaper.
- ( a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
WorldThe world is one big back room.
WorldIt's a world-eat-world world.
WorryEither it's not worth worrying about, or it's worth not worrying about.
WritersKurt Vonnegut was a great writer. He greated on everyone’s nerves.
WritersKurt Vonnegut was a great writer. He greated on everyone's nerves.
WritingI tried writing for the public, but the public ignored me. So then I tried writing for the critics, but the critics ignored me. Now I write for myself. And now my self ignores me.
- ( a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
Writing for PosterityAs an author, I write for posterity the firmer, more shapely the posterity, the better.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
Wrong Side of the TracksBetter to be from the wrong side of the tracks, than to be the tracks.
Wrongful ImprisonmentDefinition: 'Wrongfully imprisoned.' Not executed.
YawnsHow many yawns are silent screams. Then again, how many other yawns resemble extremely loud screams.
Yin YangWhy 'yin yang?' Why not yang yin?
Yogi BerraIf Mother Teresa had been a baseball player, I bet she would have been Yogi Berra. Not because Mother Teresa and Yogi Berra happen to look exactly alike, but because of the Yog's miraculous powers to heal the sick.
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic')
You Can't Please EveryoneWhoever said 'You can't please everyone' pleased everyone.
You Had Me At ... You had me at "You lost me."
Your Mother Doesn't Work HereActually, my mother *does* work here, and she'll be along shortly to clean up my mess.
YouthSecret 0.5916581. The young are wasted on youth.
ZenThe Zen I find at the mountaintop is the Zen I bring there? Oh great, now you tell me!
ZenThe more I study the Zen classics, the more I'm convinced those Zen students *wanted* to get caned.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
ZenThe more I study the Zen classics, the more I'm convinced those Zen students *wanted* to get caned.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
ZenThe more I study the Zen classics, the more I'm convinced those Zen students *wanted* to get caned.
ZenThe more I study the Zen classics, the more I'm convinced those Zen students *wanted* to get caned.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
ZenThe more I study the Zen classics, the more I'm convinced those Zen students *wanted* to get caned.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
ZenThe more I study the Zen classics, the more I'm convinced those Zen students *wanted* to get caned.
ZenThe more I study the Zen classics, the more I'm convinced those Zen students *wanted* to get caned.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
Zen of IntelligenceThe encrypted Top Secret Codeword file you seek is you.
- ('The Covert Comic')
Zen Polygraph TestIs it true that if you have to ask, you'll never know? - Zen polygraph test
ZombielineZombieline (n). A deadline that moves under its own power in search of live brains to consume. Also known as an undeadline.
ZombiesEverybody talks about how fun it would be to shoot zombies, but nobody talks about how they'd get to the sporting goods store when the ammo ran out.
ZombiesWhat exactly does a zombie *do* if it gets human brains to eat? Go into accounting?
Zombies and WalkingSay what you will about zombies, at least they get out and walk every day.
ZombismEverybody knows that if you're a zombie with money, you can get all the human brains you want.
ZoosIn order to make zoos more like jungles, we must make jungles even more like zoos.
'The Buck'The buck don't give a damn where it stops.
- (Famed CIA official)
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